What's in a Name? Part 3

When you have a pretty unique first AND last name, like I do, you're bound to get tons of misspellings, mispronunciations, and odd nicknames. I talked about some of the more common mistakes in a previous blog post: http://heckledtrio.blogspot.com/2008/02/whats-in-name.html

And while I've come to take the inevitable misspellings and mispronunciations in stride (hey-- what can you do? People don't do well with the unfamiliar!), there is one mistake that irritates me more than any other. And that's when people assume that my last name is the same as my husband's. Although it IS pretty funny when people directly address a 6'8" tall, obviously white guy as "Mr. Kwee" ;-)

While I acknowledge that the majority of married women in American society today still adopt their husband's last name upon marriage, it's quite obviously a growing trend for women not to, especially in areas where women are still in the minority, such as academia or the tech/engineering industry. And I've noticed that businesses that deal with a large variety of the population tend to not make that assumption: they usually ask me if I have the same name as Allan, when I'm giving out both of names (e.g. at the doctor's office).

I've never understood this remnant of a patriarchal society. In many cultures, the notion of adopting a spouse's name is unheard of. And yet we're supposed to be the progressive society? My boss is quite adamant against the practice; as she puts it: you lose part of your own identity when you take your spouse's name. And you're always tied to them in some manner. Plus, if you get divorced (which, hey-- there's a 50% chance of that happening in this society!) you either have to undergo the hassle of changing it again, or remain stuck with the name of your ex.

I'll admit that when I was making the decision about whether or not to change my name, I didn't think of it in quite the terms of social progress. I was merely thinking of convenience-- it's a headache to have to make all those changes and get brand new IDs and whatnot! Also, at the time I was considering going into academia, where it's already hard enough to get ahead as a woman, especially in an engineering field. Why make it that much harder by publishing under one name, and then later on, publishing under another?

But hey-- to each her own, and it is as much one woman's prerogative to change her name as it is my right to keep mine. And I did acknowledge that it is still more common for American women to take their husband's names, than for them to keep their maiden names. So calling me "Knight" is actually a fair assumption for most people to make. And I don't really get offended when they do.

However.

What I take issue with is when I politely *correct* said assumptions, and people STILL insist on using the wrong name.

The biggest culprit? Our son's school. It's pretty conservative. I've noticed that, in subtle ways, they really don't treat women as equals to men. They assume that the moms don't work during the day. When talking to both parents, they make more eye contact with the husband than with the wife. And let's not get started on the "wrong name" deal. Despite filling out forms, signing documents, and using an email address all containing my correct name, I still come out as "Helly Knight" or "Mrs. Knight", or worse yet,  "Mr. and Mrs. Allan Knight" in correspondence, sign-up rosters, and plain old being addressed, even in person.

It's all very reminiscent of the blatantly sexist treatment I got at the hands of a real estate agent when I visited an open house with a male friend of mine: http://heckledtrio.blogspot.com/2010/07/shopping-and-sexism.html

It amazes me that an organization consisting of mostly women (teachers and office staff) would take part in such patriarchal, sexist behavior. At the same time, it's also a conservative Christian organization, so I guess that shouldn't surprise me much. But you wouldn't continue misspelling/mispronouncing someone's name after they've corrected you, right? So why insist on calling me by my husband's name when I've clearly corrected you? I find that downright disrespectful!