Sit n Pee

One thing I have never understood is why men need to stand when they pee at a toilet. They have to lift the seat, and, more often than not, their aim isn't entirely accurate. Even if the stream all goes in the right direction, there's still bits of spray to contend with, which, unless you scrub your toilet and mop your bathroom floor every day, results in disgusting gunk on the rim of the bowl and on the floor by the toilet. Nasty.

And riddle me this: when a man poops, he sits down, doesn't he? And if he's like most human beings, he'll also pee during this process. So if he can pee while sitting to poop, why can't he just sit down to pee ALL the time!?

As far as I'm concerned, barring a medical condition causing an inability to sit, there is NO valid reason to have to stand up to pee in a toilet (note that I'm talking about ordinary household toilets, not urinals, third-world holes in the floor, or the woods).

What does all of this have to do with Germany? Two things:

1. A hilarious sticker that has been in the bathroom of one of our old German friends (they were my parents' classmates at university when I was born) for as long as I can remember:

2. A YouTube video of German comedian Thomas Hermanns poking the website of MAPSU (Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up):




Yes, it's in German, but he reads portions of the (English language) website out loud, so you can get the general gist of it. Or better yet, look up the website yourself ;-)

Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up. Yup, that's a cause I can get behind!

I'm posting every day in October as part of the 31-Day Writing Challenge. Click here to read more about it and to see the rest of my posts this month!

How To Be German

One of the long-standing jokes amongst our circle of friends is that Allan is more Asian than I am, and I am more European (specifically, German) than he is. He likes Asian cuisine, while my idea of "Asian" is Panda Express.  And I favor meat-and-potatoes type dishes, anyway. He can eat with chopsticks, a feat I have not yet accomplished. I speak German in addition to English, he only speaks English. In other words, I am a Twinkie and he is an egg ;-)

Yesterday my friend Nick shared this article (by way of our friend Ulf) with me: http://venturevillage.eu/how-to-be-german-part-1

I about fell out of my chair laughing at each point, because not only did I wholeheartedly agree, but I could totally relate! Some of my favorites:

(you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets). What it lacks in nocturnal romance, it more than makes up for in practicality... 
Long before Allan and I got separate beds, we had already gotten separate comforters. There was no other way around it, because of our different temperature tolerances. Either he would have been too hot, or I would have been too cold. In keeping with Americans' penchant for luxury and excess, however, we did not get two twin mattresses pushed together. Instead, we got two double beds pushed together, creating the effect of one really gigantic bed. So I can totally related to the practicality of this.

Doesn't it look like one really HUGE bed?

21. Eat German "bread"This and the note on German breakfasts made my mouth water. I remembered the spread of fresh baked bread with butter, a variety of meats and cheeses, as well as sweet spreads like honey and fruit preserves. Oh man. If I had time to eat proper breakfasts in the morning before work, and if I could have access to steaming hot, fresh, Broetchen, I'd be in heaven.

...start accepting the three central tenets of Germanism. The three P’s. Planning, Preparation, Process.
as well as:
Make spreadsheets, charts and lists.
and best of all:
Just because they call it spontaneity, doesn’t mean it can’t be scheduled.

Hee hee. All I can say is: spreadsheets, anyone? ;-)

The language part had me rolling, as well. I won't even copy and paste my favorite parts here, it would consist of most of that section! Suffice it to say that I agree that English can be difficult to pronounce (more exceptions than rules), but relatively easy, grammar-wise. It's the opposite with German: easy to pronounce (just a few rules to follow and you're set), but incredibly difficult grammar, mostly because of the 3 different gender articles.

Germans fear any beverage that doesn’t fizz... Related to this is Apfelsaftschorle.
Truer words were never spoken. Apfelschorle, if you don't know, is apple juice mixed with carbonated water. To me, it's gross. I remember all too well the difficulty I had, trying to order a drink in a German restaurant. There was no such thing as non-carbonated water, and you didn't want to drink the stuff out of the tap. I always had to ask for juice, and even then I had to make sure to emphasize that I wanted JUICE, not Schorle. 

Here, meat is the linchpin of every meal. Being a vegetarian here is probably about as much fun as being blind at the zoo.
I don't think I need to expound on this. All my previous posts about our trips to Brummi's should evidence this well enough. 

19. Do Nothing on Sundays.
This reminds me of when I first came back to the US after serving my 4-year active duty stint in Mannheim with the Army. It was about 10:30pm on a Sunday night, and my mom needed groceries. So we hopped in the car and hit the local supermarket. It was a bit of reverse culture shock. I was not used to anything being open both late at night AND on a Sunday to boot! It was kind of nice knowing that you had at least one "day of rest" every week. Workaholic Americans could take a cue from the Germans in this regard!

There was more in that article (and the subequent parts 2 and 3) that I found hilarious, but these are just the highlights of my absolute favorites. I think Nick can attest to the fact that I was IMing him with a "LOL, OMG, soooo true" reaction at each new paragraph ;-)

So go on and read it. Have a laugh. And see how much you agree :-D

Royal Flatulence?

My friend Tabitha reposted an anecdote that her mom shared, about an amusing typo that showed up on the lyrics screen of a Christmas concert she attended. When the choir sang "Silent Night", the following appeared on the screen:

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beans from Thy holy face ...

Which, of course, made her (and readers of that anecdote) giggle!

That story reminded me of something Allan said long ago, about a song that our worship team frequently sings at church during Sunday services. It's called "Mighty to Save" and part of the lyrics go like this:

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...

Allan swears that the last line sounds like "lizard king" instead of "risen king". So now, everytime we hear (about) that song, I remind Allan: "Hey, it's the Lizard King song!"

Naturally, these two stories combined inspired me to create a cartoon drawing of a crown-wearing lizard with shining beans emanating from its face. Here is the end result:

So now the bigger question is: do lizard kings get gassy from all those radiant beans??

Ah, (gassy) lizard kings and radiant beans... that's the stuff Christmas is made of! ;-)

Fair is fair!

Weekend flew by, as it always done when I'm at my parents' house. It also left me with very little to blog about, so I'll leave you with this little Todd-ism:

Todd played with his Legos this morning, spreading them all out on the living room floor. I asked him to clean it up before we ate lunch, and as he started picking up the pieces, my dad walked in. Todd said something in Chinese to him, and my dad sat down and helped him tidy up. I guessed that he had asked Opa to help him clean up, so I jokingly chided him:

"For shame! Asking Opa to help you clean up your toys!"

To which he replied:

"Well yeah! Because he played with the Legos, too!"

My mom and I cracked up, which earned a disapproving look from Todd. He looked up at us and said, in his sternest voice: "I don't see anything funny about this!"

Which, of course, only made it worse! :-D

More Strange Dreams

A while back I wrote a post detailing some of the recurring dreams I've always had: flying/falling, mouth full of food, driving a car that won't brake, and yelling at Allan ;-)

I also wrote about how sometimes, when I'm especially in the thick of something at work, I'll wind up carrying it along with me to Dreamland. Funny how the mind works. For instance, this past couple of months I've been mired in personnel promotion cases. On top of that, I had some intensive training on the subject yesterday. So last night, I dreamed about... *drumroll* doing personnel cases! Only in my dream, Jennifer Aniston was one of the faculty being considered for promotion, and my friend Tabitha was helping me with her case. I couldn't even begin to imagine what that's supposed to mean. Not like Jennifer is one of my favorite actresses or that I'd seen anything with her in it lately. Oh well-- sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar, right?

In other news... 

The youth pastor at our church Tweeted about a dream he had last night, and it immediately reminded me of a joke that doesn't exactly belong in church. It seems wrong to connect a dirty joke with our youth pastor, but I'm sure he'd understand :-)

His Tweet: "Last night I was dreaming about petting a cat.  When I woke up I was petting my hand!  Weird!"

The joke: Three guys were out hiking and camping, and when they got to their cabin, they realized it only had one bed. At least it was large enough to hold all 3 of them, so they climbed in and went to sleep. The next morning, the guy on the left said: "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was getting a handjob!" The guy on the right said: "I dreamt I was getting a handjob, too!" The guy in the middle stretched and yawned, then said: "I dreamt that I was skiing!"

:-D

Apparently, we aren't the only ones having weird dreams last night. Stephanie dreamt of narwhals, and then posted this picture. I'm not normally much for Star Wars (I prefer Star Trek, myself), but I think narwhals are cute and cool, and really enjoyed the picture! :-)

How about you? Any weird or wacky dreams lately?

A Ring Is Not Just A Ring

This "Working Daze" comic reminded me of one of my favorite stories that took place shortly after Allan and I got married.

When we tied the knot, not many of our friends at school knew about it. So when I went to class the following Monday after our wedding weekend, one friend, Golnaz, immediately spied the plain gold ring I was sporting on my left hand. She gave me a coy, knowing look and asked: "What is that?" Before I could say anything, our other friend, Steve, overheard her question and sidled up to us. He followed Golnaz's gaze to my hand and studied my ring.

His earnest, excited reaction?

"Oh, is that from Lord of the Rings!?"

Golnaz stared at him incredulously for a few seconds before setting him straight: "It's a wedding ring, you dork!" I can't remember if she smacked him or not, but I wouldn't have blamed her if she did. Only a bona fide geek would see a plain, flat, gold band on the ring finger of a girl's left hand and automatically assume it's that sci-fi/fantasy ring, and not a wedding band! Apparently Roy and Kathy fit that bill! :-P

Good ol' Steve. This little anecdote has provided lots of laughter as we've recounted it numerous times throughout the years since then.We love him anyway! :-)

Things We Wish We Could Tweet/FB

Warning: not for the faint of heart!

About a year ago, I started jotting down some of the funny, irreverent, and downright dirty things that came up in conversation with Allan. Things that you'd love to Tweet or post on Facebook, but deemed rather inappropriate. So I thought I'd start saving them up privately, and before long, I'd amassed quite a collection. Now's the perfect time to blog it, I figured, so here you are. I'll leave it to your imagination to figure out who said what (aside from the obvious, of course).

MARRIAGE:

•  Mutual suspicion-- it's what makes a good marriage work
•  The day we stop cussing each other out is the day we know our marriage is in trouble
•  Our marriage is successful because it's the product of a failed divorce.

SEX:

•  Mental note: zerberts on the penis are good
•  (corollary to above) I just gave my husband a blowjob... literally! And he enjoyed it!
•  While making out with my husband, I heard a very clear and loud "boink!" (the IM chime on his phone)
•  Helly just got shocked by Allan's balls! (static)
•  She won't fake an orgasm, but she'll fake a tickle
•  Uh-oh, she's closing the blinds. She's either gonna fuck me or kill me.
•  (pouty-faced) I thought I was supposed to cum!
•  It's not GoToFuck! (on Allan staying in Portland while I'm in SB, and keeping in touch via chat/webcam, plus toys hooked up to each "other")
•  (in a resigned tone after finding nothing in the adult store) *sigh* I guess I'll have to buy a double-headed dildo online
•  "Ooh, baby! Do me 'till I dangle a participle!" (on sex while blogging-- and yes, for the record, this really works!)
•  Note to self: the apricot face scrub is NOT lube!
•  They're not speed bags, dammit, they're my testicles!

PERVERSION:

•  Allan: "I didn't marry a prude!" Helly: "No. *I* did!"
•  My wife's definition of "decorum" is saying "boob sex" instead of "titty fuck". Sigh.
•  What are you talking about!? You have your own built-in strapon! (Helly responding to Allan's assertion that she has more experience with strapons than he does)
•  Is a JB (possibly acronym for Jitter Buffer) a reverse blowjob? If so, does it mean the woman tries to spit cum back into the man's penis until it goes flaccid?

MISCELLANY:

•  You know... fuck being Asian! (on the practice of lugging around tons of souvenirs to bring home when traveling)
•  Is word leprosy an STD? (see this post for more on "word leprosy": http://heckledtrio.blogspot.com/2010/01/word-leprosy.html)
•  Humans: can't live with 'em... fuck 'em!

Crazy Baby Names

One of my favorite comic strips is "One Big Happy" by Rick Detorie. Little Ruthie is always full of witticisms and keen observations that only the pure, innocent mind of a child could come up with.

A long time ago, I remember reading a strip featuring the arrival of a babysitter. The teenager introduced herself at the door, and while I can't remember the exact words, her speech bubbles went something like this:

My name is Typhanni. Just like "Tiffany", but with a "ph" instead of an "f", 2 "n"s and the "i" and "y" switched.

I thought it was hilarious that she had to go into such a long spiel to explain how her name is so different from the original spelling.

Little did I know that this innocent little comic strip would be a foreshadowing of the recent trend of parents trying to conjure up "unique" spellings of ordinary names for their children. Things like "Madysynn" instead of "Madison". Worse yet, totally newfangled, weird names! This trend is made fun of a lot in a blog that I read regularly: STFU, Parents!

If you haven't read that blog, I highly recommend it. The blog owner posts screenshots (along with some funny personal commentary, which really makes reading it worthwhile) of parent overshare on Facebook-- pictures of dirty diapers, children's injuries, placentas(!!), mama drama, you name it, it's on there. It can make for effective birth control! And lest you think it's a child-free, child-bashing forum, it's not. I'd venture to say that most of the readers are parents themselves. We're just shaking our heads in wonder and disgust as we marvel at why on earth fellow parents would feel the need to overshare the less glamorous parts of parenthood. Strangely enough, a lot of the oversharing parents featured on the blog name their children something out of this world.

It's getting to the point where seeing a common name, spelled in an ordinary way (like "Katherine") is something of a rarity!

Which brings me to another "One Big Happy" strip that I came across recently, and enjoyed enough to share with the STFU, Parents site. It certainly sums up how most of us blog readers feel about this onslaught of unique (or should that be: "yoo-neek"?) baby names, and not just from celebrity parents!

Right on, Ruthie! Those kids are gonna need those blessings!

The Trouble With Remotes

Today's Drabble comic reminded me of a couple of funny television-remote-related anecdotes, as well as some musings. First up, the comic:

Yesterday my boss arrived at work, dug around in her purse for her keys to let herself into the building, and was surprised to see her TV remote in there. That's when she realized that in her morning rush, she'd inadvertently grabbed the remote instead of her cell phone... which happened to be sitting right next to the remote. When she left at quittin' time, she wondered aloud about what kinds of long distance calls her dog must have made in her absence ;-)

The mention of her dog reminded me of Ron and Debbie's late doggie-- Sammy. Apparently one weekend while they were out of town, leaving the dog to his own devices (see, unlike kids, dogs can do well on their own for a few days-- leave them some food and water, and they're good to go!), Sammy accidentally stepped on the remote, turning the TV on. Further actions-- maybe playing with it? -- caused the volume to go up. Way up. It got so loud that not only did it scare poor Sammy, but the neighbors actually called the cops because of the noise! The cops had to break in and turn off the TV. Who knows how long the TV was on before Sammy was rescued from the clutches of the noise pollution! ;-)

We're so attached to our remotes. Makes you wonder how on earth we managed to survive in the days of TVs that had knobs you had to manually turn. I remember growing up watching one of those small B&W models with the... what was it, 13? channels. That was before we moved into our house, and our living room apartment was so small we sat close enough to the TV that sitting up and reaching out to turn the knob wasn't too inconveniencing.

Why is it that when the batteries on a remote run low, we respond by pressing the buttons harder? Do we somehow believe that the weak connection will work better if we exert untold force on the poor buttons?

Amazing, isn't it-- in the span of just a decade or two, we've gone from the non-existence of remote controls to now having to keep track of 3 or 4. Let's see-- the TV, the VCR, the DVD, the stereo, the DirectTV console... yeah, it adds up. No wonder we're so attached to our clickers, we become virtually unable to function without them. Just like Ralph Drabble above :-)

Funny Spam IM

We've all received our fair share of spam emails. They range from Nigerian scam letters to ads for Viagra to admirer emails from "hot" girls to phishing scams. Pretty standard fare, and always to be found in my Junk folder, though occasionally one or two will slip past the spam filter and make its way to my Inbox.

Today I received my first spam IM. Apparently my Yahoo screenname is linked to my Dad's name (not entirely sure why, I may have used my own Yahoo email address when signing my Dad up for something long long ago). So every once in a while I get friend requests on Yahoo from people I don't recognize. I usually ignore them.

This time, however, the spammer was persistent. Despite my hitting "ignore" to the friend add request, it proceeded to IM me. I stared in fascination as the text appeared, sentence by sentence, before me-- almost as if a real live person were actually typing it!

Here's a transcript of the conversation (with my Dad's name changed):

[09:46:36] donaldsonxahaf: hey
[09:46:55] hellykwee: hi
[09:47:05] donaldsonxahaf: Hey Roger*
[09:47:27] donaldsonxahaf: This is difficult for me to do because I'm shy..but I have a crush on you, i have been sending you emails but no response
[09:47:49] donaldsonxahaf: I've never been able to tell you for reasons which you would quickly identify as obvious if you knew who this was.
[09:48:08] donaldsonxahaf: With that said, I want you to guess who I am, and approach me yourself.
[09:48:28] donaldsonxahaf: To help you out with your guessing I made a few pictures and videos with "Roger" written on my body.
[09:48:55] donaldsonxahaf: They're kind of risque photos so I had to make a private profile. look at my screen name on your buddylist and you'll see the link in my status update or you can look at the top of this conversation window. it's for your eyes only
[09:49:19] donaldsonxahaf: My username in the members area is "RogerandME09" (It's a free website but you might need a CC or Debit to verify your age because I had to. Sigh.)
[09:49:44] donaldsonxahaf: once you are inside search for me. I want you to guess who I am and then approach me yourself. I'm shy and this is the bravest thing I've probably ever done, but you need to do the rest.
[09:50:08] hellykwee: sorry, i don't put my card number into websites to verify age
[09:50:09] donaldsonxahaf: i wont ever be able to get on yahoo messenger again this is my only day so come talk with me on the website
[09:50:23] donaldsonxahaf: Kisses, Secret Admirer
[09:50:32] hellykwee: haha, you're funny
[09:50:38] donaldsonxahaf: AWAY MESSAGE - Waiting 4 My crush.. Won't back on here. FOR EVERYONE - If you read this you HAVE TO pull out your cellphone and text the word BARNABAS to the short # 70542. Follow the instructions. If you do this, you are voting for me to win the "hottest person ever contest". HELP!!! i need 1 more vote. If you vote for me tell me and ill love you 4ever

I was laughing too hard at the time, but now I kinda wish I had interjected some commentary of my own earlier on, just to see how well-programmed the spambot was to to handle real-time conversational responses.

Ah well. It gave me a good laugh for the morning. And I have to admit, I was pretty impressed that the grammar and spelling were pretty good-- makes a nice change from the ordinary grammar-error-riddled spam mail we're used to receiving! Someday I will post about the snail mail (yes, you read that right-- SNAIL mail) phishing scam I received a couple years ago...

When gingerbread men turn...

Every other Monday, the Tech Group (which is more or less the entire Engineering Department) has a meeting, mostly to catch up on HR stuff (like awards and introducing new hires), and listening to presentations on a variety of tech-related topics currently of interest.

This past Monday, however, we held gingerbread decorating instead of an actual meeting. Only a handful of us showed up. The majority, I think, were out on vacation :-) The rest were simply not inclined for such shenanigans ;-)

Anyway, we trooped downstairs and found a table laden with gingerbread men, cans of icing, toppings, and frosting. And while there was a huge plateful of whole gingerbread men, there were also 2 boxes to the side containing broken pieces.

It was this box that I began rummaging through. At first I thought I might try a Frankenstein-like creation-- gluing together obviously mismatched body parts with icing. But then I discovered a headless, legless gingerbread man (his body in one box, his head in another) and my imagination kicked into overdrive. Especially when I discovered that one of the cans of icing was red in color...

This is what I came up with:



But it needed more of a crime-scene feel to it, I mused. So I grabbed a marker and drew a chalk outline. Then, drawing inspiration from bloody scenes I'd seen in newspapers and television shows, I added a smear in what would've been the right place for a fatal bullet hole. Missing from this photo is the last finishing touch: I cut a yellow post-it note into strips, taped the strips together end-to-end to create a long, thin "caution tape" strip and then wrote "CAUTION DO NOT ENTER" repeatedly across it... just like real yellow police tape! :-) I then used it to cordon off the crime scene :-D It actually worked, for my plate trio sat in the corner of the table, well away from the other, normal creations!

Click on image for larger, gorier details ;-)



Yeah... Helly has a morbid imagination. That doesn't actually surprise any of you, does it? I guess I was making up for my lack of doing anything gory on Halloween ;-) Some people said the cookiecide scene reminded them of Shrek. My husband grew wary of going home with me that night, and insisted on sleeping with one eye open. Never mind that some of those ideas came from him! :-P

So... cookies, anyone? *maniacal grin* >:-D

Our religion needs a name

A couple weeks ago, we heard an interesting sermon in church about the difference between faith and religion. And I would have to agree-- true Christianity is about faith, not the rituals that define a typical religion. But that is for another, more serious discussion.

Now, I have a confession to make: I may have my faith, but I also belong to a bona fide religion with its stringent sets of rules, the breaking of which would cause a member to be booted in shame and disgrace.

It doesn't have a name yet. It consists of a few core tenets, such as:

1. Thou shalt not run for the sake of running
2. Thou shalt not hike
3. Thou shalt not keep cats as pets, for they are the devil incarnate

Our religion enables us to provide a simple answer when people ask us if we run or hike. We merely say "No, it's against our religion". Interestingly enough, we've actually garnered a few followers using this method! Hey, everyone is welcome! All that we ask is that you adhere to the core tenets and all is well :-)

Now, just as many other religions out there, we're starting to feel a potential schism. It runs mainly along the lines of food. For example, I firmly believe that to mix mint with anything else (like chocolate!) is a desecration of all that is holy and mintly. Mint must be enjoyed in its pure and unadulterated form! Allan, however, dares to defile it by eating it with chocolate and other sweet goods. Sacrilege!!

Anyway... shaky as the side rules may be, we're still holding strong on the core guidelines.

But in the interest of uniquely identifying ourselves amongst the hordes of other cults and religions out there, we need a name. One friend has dubbed herself a follower of "Allan and Helly's religion". (She found it handy to throw at her husband when he invited her to go hiking with him). It's descriptive, but a bit generic and a bit long.

So... any ideas? What should we call ourselves?

Sunday afternoon funny

This little gem is currently reflected on mine and Allan's Facebook statuses, but since some of my readers aren't (active) on FB, I thought I'd share it here, too.

Sunday afternoon, we're shopping at Vons (Safeway for those of you outside of Southern California). Like most supermarkets, it has a rewards card entitling you to discounts. Allan and I both have one, but since his has long been inactive, we just use mine. To save on carrying multiple cards in my wallet, we simply key in my phone number at checkout, and watch the numbers roll off the prices. Easy peasy. Right?

Yesterday was no different-- I minded Todd while Allan paid for groceries. As he reached for the receipt, he was greeted with "Have a nice day, Ms. Kwee!"

Apparently my name popped up as the owner of the rewards card after I punched in my phone number. If the cashier had simply addressed him as "Mr. Kwee", it would've been funny enough. It HAS happened in the past, though usually by people who haven't actually SEEN Allan (i.e. mail/telephone correspondence) and seen that he doesn't look remotely Asian. Still, stranger names have happened, and it's obvious we're a family, so "Mr. Kwee" would not have been too much of a stretch.

But "Ms. Kwee"? When the obviously MALE customer is standing right there in front of you? Well! Too funny! Although I suppose if it hadn't been for this gaffe, I wouldn't have an amusing story to tell, and more ammo with which to poke fun at Allan! :-D

Or should I say... "Ms. Kwee" :-D

(this does jive well with the assertion that he's the woman and I'm the man in the relationship, but that's for another blog entry...)

Costume Suggestions

Friday is Halloween. Perfect opportunity for Allan to dress up in the Hawaiian shirt and sarong I got him from Indonesia. Yup-- gettin' my man to wear a skirt ;-) Anyway-- I still need to come up with something for myself. Something simple, something I can create from my ordinary wardrobe. I don't believe in the concept of shelling out dough for a whole getup I can only wear one time during the year, and not even every year at that.

But I need ideas. A few years ago I took a cue from Denzel Washington's character in Philadelphia and wore my suit with paper printouts of a law taped all over it-- I was a "lawsuit". Something along those lines is what I'm going for again this year.

I came across a website with some tongue-in-cheek suggestions. I've culled some of my favorites:

# CD Burner
Just tie a computer CD around your neck and carry a lighter. When someone asks what you are, hold the lighter up to the CD.

# Snackbar
Attach open bags of snacks to you (chips, pretzels, cheese puffs, nuts, etc.). Your friends will love it! They will be snacking on you all night long.

# Stick in the Mud
Wear all brown and attach a stick to your chest.

# Web Pages
Glue pages from a book onto a black sweatshirt and sweatpants. Add spider webbing to your hair. Voila! Instant internet!
(very similar to the lawsuit idea, not bad)

# Nerd
Attach Nerd candy boxes all over yourself.
(two birds with one stone-- I could then take the unopened boxes off and give them away to the Trick-or-Treaters that night)

# Generic Costume
Wear all white. Draw a large UPC code on your chest and write "COSTUME" above it.

# Pumpkin Pi(e)
Cut a pumpkin shape out of orange construction paper. Write the number 3.1415926 on it. Attach it to your shirt.
(this has a geeky aspect I know many of my co-workers will appreciate)

# Ceiling Fan
Write "Go Ceilings!" on the front of your shirt. Add other gear if you want (pom poms, big foam finger, etc.) And don't forget to cheer!

# Static Cling
Wear any kind of mismatched clothes, pin one pant leg up, pin dryer sheets on you as well as socks, small towels, etc., and then use hair gel to make your hair look like it has static.

All else fails, the lawsuit is a good fallback I can always use. What did you like? Do you have any suggestions?

At least you keep your tibia

Had a meeting yesterday in one of our other buildings. As the time approached, I looked up the building floorplan on our intranet to figure out where the conference room was. But what immediately captured my attention was the location of the kitchen, for it had a huge read heart with a lightning zap going through it.

Broken heart? I mused. This must not be the place to go if you don't want your relationships doomed.

So I hovered my mouse over the heart symbol, and sure enough, a description popped up. This is what it said:



Okay, I've heard of a defibrillator, but what is a defibulator? The first thing that sprang to mind was some sort of gruesome device that removes your fibula. Be grateful that it at least spares you your tibia? Or maybe it's not a device but some sort of cyborg/android dude much like the Terminator. *in heavy accent* "I am the Defibulator. Say good bye to your leg bone. I'll be back!"

Yes. I know I am easily amused :-P Don't tell me that at least half of you didn't find it funny, too, and conjure up your own images of what a "defibulator" could possibly be!

How many times...

... can Allan repeat the same mistake?

Well, let's see... earlier today, he ran a quick errand: get some cash from our joint checking account so he could pay a holding deposit on a new apartment we plan to move into soon. The items needed? His debit card and an ATM machine. Any ATM machine, in fact. Simple, no?

Off he drove. Stopped at the first one. Inserted card. Punched in PIN. And was promptly greeted with "Card ineligible for this service" or something like that. Hmm... odd. A little different from the usual "Card not valid" or "Invalid PIN" messages you tend to get at ATM machines. But hey, ATM machines act oddly sometimes, so he shrugged it off and trooped off in search of another machine. Repeat the above steps. Receive the same error message.

Scratching his head, he went to yet ANOTHER machine and again got the same results. Thoroughly fed up, he finally pulled out his debit card for his own private account and finally managed to get some cash that way. Off he went on his errand.

When he returned, he briefly explained that our ATM card wasn't working. That's strange, I thought. Just a couple weeks ago I managed to use my card just fine to withdraw cash. I figured maybe he just had an expired card, as that's happened before. I pulled out my card to compare expiration dates. And Allan obligingly pulled out his.... credit card! That's right, the *credit* card issued to us by the same bank with which we keep our joint checking and savings accounts! And last time I checked, those particular cards weren't eligible for cash ATM withdrawals (a good thing, of course!)

Lesson learned? A credit card is not the same thing as a debit card. They don't even look the same! One is plain green the other is blue with silver trim. Funnier still? That Allan managed to run around and hit nearly every ATM machine near our house before giving up... and still didn't realize his error till he got back!

Time to pull out that special helmet of his from storage...

Mock the Stupid

A long time ago, Jenna got me hooked onto the "mock the stupid" LiveJournal community. For those who don't know, LJ communities are basically public blogs that anyone (well, any LJ member) can post in and comment on. Message board forums in blog style, I guess. I was catching up on some entries today, when one caught my eye-- mostly because it reminded me of Lisa's recent blog post chronicling stupid things she's heard at work.

I thought you all might appreciate these gems. The original post had this (regarding a health class where the instructor was teaching about tourniquets (and yes, she cautioned the class that it's no longer recommended)):

a girl decided to ask:
"So, if you can stop severe bleeding in your limbs using a tourniquet... could you tie a tourniquet around your neck to stop severe bleeding from your head??"

Apparently she was dead (haha) serious. That spawned a slew of tongue-in-cheek comments, of which the nursing-related ones were most hilarious. Observe:

--When my Nana trained as a nurse, the hospital she trained in had a tradition where each group of student nurses, upon arriving for their first surgical rotation were asked to go and get a neck tourniquet. She said that in nearly every group there was at least one student who fell for it.

--I usually send them for a box of fallopian tubes.

--A lab tech tried to get me to go to his mate in the stores for a 'long weight' once. Luckily it dawned on me before I was out the door so I could ask him if he wanted some tartan paint with it!

--Similar to the old high school football team tradition of sending the rookies out the look for the line of scrimmage.

Breaking Up is Hard To Do

... one of my favorite Neil Sedaka songs.

And usually, quite true. Either you're breaking someone's heart, or someone is breaking your heart, or maybe the feeling is mutual but you have to untangle your former lives together... no matter what, it is usually far from easy.

But Facebook changes the game. As you can tell, even divorce is now as easy as a click of your mouse button:



Who'd a thunk it could be that simple? Forget overcharging lawyers and endless paperwork and fees... Facebook provides the no-frills solution. That really takes "technology making our lives easier" to a whole new level!



(originally posted at: http://www.myspace.com/hellykwee/blog/396631488)

Fill 'er up

Allan fondly recalls the days when his grandmother would hand the gas station attendant a $5 bill to fill up the tank of their car-- you know, the pre-self-service days. While he refuses to acknowledge this as a testatment to how old he is, this anecdote does provide a striking contrast to the gas station experience today.

I spied this on Jenny's blog on her Jenkat site (have you visited it? www.jenkat.com) and had to laugh. So very apt nowadays! I present you with the value of a $5 at a gas station today:



This next shot was taken at our corner gas station last week. Santa Barbara is not known for cheap prices-- in anything. Gas is no exception. Thankfully, this station is one of THE most expensive stations in my neck of the woods, and just a few miles away regular unleaded can be purchased for just under $4 a gallon. Still...!!!

Adam's Accountat @ Home

This blog post is dedicated to Kendra :-) You'll see why in a sec.

Anyone ever read the comic strip "Adam @ Home" by Brian Basset? It used to be called just plain "Adam" until he revamped it with a focus on Adam working from home. For those of you out of the loop: as the title suggests, Adam, father of 3, works from home, enabling him to look after the kids while his wife works at a conventional office. Naturally this gives him a totally different perspective from the rest of us, on "the workplace". Observe:

A couple weeks before income tax filings were due in the U.S., here were the strips that were featured on Adam @ Home:













Now, why does this remind me of Kendra? Because she, like Adam, works from home and because she, like the other guy in the pink slippers, works in the accounting field!

So... Kenzie, does that mean you find yourself sitting on both sides of that table, when it comes time to doing your taxes? ;-)

(originally posted at:  http://www.myspace.com/hellykwee/blog/387050214)