Sleeping separately

I read an interesting article on CNN today, called "We're married, sleeping separately". Here's the link-- have a gander:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/12/lw.sleep.alone.when.married/index.html

The article piqued my interest because that's the exact arrangement Allan and I have now. It inadvertently started when Todd began living with us full time, and the lack of space forced Todd to share the queen-sized bed with Allan while I slept on the futon in the living room. It's the primary reason that we selected a memory foam mattress for our futon-- it gets more use as a bed than as a sofa.

When Todd returned to LA at the beginning of the summer, we realized that sleeping together was tougher than we anticipated, for a myriad of reasons:

1. (the paramount reason) I'm a sensitive sleeper. I wouldn't say I'm a light sleeper, exactly, but I am more sensitive to movements, light and noise that are more likely to awaken me than your average person.

2. Allan moves around fairly violently in his sleep, shaking the bed enough to wake me sometimes.

3. Allan doesn't snore often, but when he does, it's LOUD. Again, see #1.

4. Allan tends to be an earlier riser than me. Not because he goes to bed earlier-- we usually conk out at the same time, but because he gets by on less sleep than I do. Now combine all the elements I described in #1 (light, movement, noise) and you'll see they're all prevalent when he gets up before I do.

Sleeping in separate beds solved all of the above. AND it allowed us to set our own sleep schedules.

So I can definitely relate to all the couples interviewed in that article. I disagree with what one psychologist says, about warning that sleeping separately spells trouble in a marriage: "My feeling is that sleeping together is a very, very important part of being integrated with each other." Not necessarily. Couples do many things together and a few things on their own. So long as the latter doesn't outnumber the former, then sleeping can be one of those "separate" things-- as long as most everything else is done together. And even then, a little "alone" time now and then is healthy, and, I believe, vital.

Look at it: eating, talking, watching TV, going out-- I'm sorry, but those activities are far more likely to bring you closer together and "integrated" with each other, because you're actively involved. Sleeping? As one guy in the article pointed out, when you're asleep, you don't know there's anyone there, anyway!!

I'm reminded of an episode of "King of Queens", where Doug and Carrie have to sleep in separate twin beds while their larger bed is being repaired. Enthralled with their newfound "freedom", they start doing everything separately, to the point of planning out separate vacations. Now THAT is going too far. But that also has nothing to do with sleeping together-- what's the use of sharing the same bed if Doug is going to Ohio while Carrie goes to Florida, for summer vacation? In that case, the sleep arrangements are just one more symptom of a deeper underlying problem.

For us, sleeping separately has far more benefits than disadvantages, we're happy with the arrangement, and do practically everything else as a couple. So poo-poo to those who think there's something wrong with it. It works for us, and we couldn't be happier... or healthier!