Things We Wish We Could Tweet/FB

Warning: not for the faint of heart!

About a year ago, I started jotting down some of the funny, irreverent, and downright dirty things that came up in conversation with Allan. Things that you'd love to Tweet or post on Facebook, but deemed rather inappropriate. So I thought I'd start saving them up privately, and before long, I'd amassed quite a collection. Now's the perfect time to blog it, I figured, so here you are. I'll leave it to your imagination to figure out who said what (aside from the obvious, of course).

MARRIAGE:

•  Mutual suspicion-- it's what makes a good marriage work
•  The day we stop cussing each other out is the day we know our marriage is in trouble
•  Our marriage is successful because it's the product of a failed divorce.

SEX:

•  Mental note: zerberts on the penis are good
•  (corollary to above) I just gave my husband a blowjob... literally! And he enjoyed it!
•  While making out with my husband, I heard a very clear and loud "boink!" (the IM chime on his phone)
•  Helly just got shocked by Allan's balls! (static)
•  She won't fake an orgasm, but she'll fake a tickle
•  Uh-oh, she's closing the blinds. She's either gonna fuck me or kill me.
•  (pouty-faced) I thought I was supposed to cum!
•  It's not GoToFuck! (on Allan staying in Portland while I'm in SB, and keeping in touch via chat/webcam, plus toys hooked up to each "other")
•  (in a resigned tone after finding nothing in the adult store) *sigh* I guess I'll have to buy a double-headed dildo online
•  "Ooh, baby! Do me 'till I dangle a participle!" (on sex while blogging-- and yes, for the record, this really works!)
•  Note to self: the apricot face scrub is NOT lube!
•  They're not speed bags, dammit, they're my testicles!

PERVERSION:

•  Allan: "I didn't marry a prude!" Helly: "No. *I* did!"
•  My wife's definition of "decorum" is saying "boob sex" instead of "titty fuck". Sigh.
•  What are you talking about!? You have your own built-in strapon! (Helly responding to Allan's assertion that she has more experience with strapons than he does)
•  Is a JB (possibly acronym for Jitter Buffer) a reverse blowjob? If so, does it mean the woman tries to spit cum back into the man's penis until it goes flaccid?

MISCELLANY:

•  You know... fuck being Asian! (on the practice of lugging around tons of souvenirs to bring home when traveling)
•  Is word leprosy an STD? (see this post for more on "word leprosy": http://heckledtrio.blogspot.com/2010/01/word-leprosy.html)
•  Humans: can't live with 'em... fuck 'em!

Marriage: A Partnership

It is Day 1 of the November NaBloPoMo, and, as is the case each year, it always kicks off with our anniversary. Today the husband and I celebrate 8 years of marriage. EIGHT years! Where does the time go! That's 4 times longer than our previous relationship records. And we're still going strong. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, 8 years isn't really that long. I'm sure there are those more experienced out there who are thinking: yeah right, just wait till you hit 15 years, 20 years, 30 years... and that's a valid point. If I'm still blogging 7 years from now, I'll try to remember to revisit this and see how things are going at 15 years. The question is... who of my readers will still be reading and remind me? ;-)

I got to thinking about what makes a marriage work. You can glean nuggets of wisdom from both the experts and from people who have lived long, satisfying marriages. Of course, you get different opinions on what the key ingredient to a successful marriage is. I think the only single thing that is universally true is that it's all different! That, really, is my main take-away from all those articles and interviews that showcase marriage/relationship longevity: you gotta figure out what works for you!

For me and Allan, it's a couple of key factors.

1. We work together, not against each other. And I mean that literally. Everything is an equal partnership, from household chores (he usually cooks, I usually clean, and on weekends we divide up the weekly house cleaning) to raising the boy (he gets him ready in the morning and off to school, I pick him up and get him ready for bed at night) to discussing major household decisions. At the same time, we know we can count on each other to fill in when we're unable to take fulfill our "main" responsibilities.

2. There has to be some give and take. The greatest example is sex. By and large, men have a bigger sex drive than women, so for the most part, the man is gonna want it more frequently than the woman. That's just the way nature rolls, and there's honestly nothing wrong with that. We've found that bartering works remarkably well-- trade sex for doing the dishes ;-) Kidding! Actually, only half-kidding. We don't make a regular practice of "bartering" for sex, but once in a while it actually does work. Allan gets his nookie and I get out of doing a mundane chore for a night. It's win-win all around! ;-)

On a more serious note, though, there really is nothing wrong with a bit of compromise. I'm sure Allan would like it more often than we do it, and I could get by less often than we do it (especially when Todd is in town, keeping us busy and wearing us out), so how often we DO do it is our compromise. And yes, there are times when I don't really feel like it, but go ahead with it anyway. More often than not, I wind up having fun and saying "I'm glad you started that", but if not-- no big deal. It's not an affront to Allan, and he doesn't take it as such.

Sex is an integral part of marriage, but it's not the end-all-be-all. It's fun, but shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Which brings me to my last point:

3) We don't take each other, or any issues that crop up, too seriously. That's not to say that we treat serious issues cavalierly. We deal with what comes up, and don't let it consume our lives. Equally important is feeling that there isn't anything you can't discuss. After all, what's a spouse if not your best friend, the person with whom you're free to confide everything in?

The corollary to that is being able to be lighthearted about anything. Even serious topics like divorce. I've known people who thought that the mere mention of it spelled doom for their marriage. Nonsense. If you can't freely talk about it, how can you address issues that might be serious enough to make you contemplate divorce? Not only do Allan and I freely discuss it when relevant, but we also feel free to joke about it. And there's nothing wrong with that, so long as joking is not the only way you ever discuss divorce. It lends a bit of levity to an otherwise depressing topic.

And when it comes to laughter-- what better way to diffuse an argument than with a bit of funny? I can certainly attest to how well that works: http://heckledtrio.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-to-diffuse-argument.html

I guess the nutshell version of this isn't all that different from the generic advice you get from others: teamwork, compromise and humor.

What works for you?

"Things", Jeopardy-style

Allan and I finally caved in and bought our own copy of The Game of Things the last time we were at Target. We'd had too much fun with it the last couple of times we played. You can read more about the (mis)adventures on Tabitha's blog: first, with her friends, and then again several months later with our friends.

Her blog explains how the game works, but the gist of it is that everyone takes turns reading off a card with sentences like "Things you can't stop", everyone writes their answers, and then takes turns guessing who wrote what.

Well, after we bought our own copy of the game, Allan and I spent an evening riffling through the cards and laughing at some of the questions (okay, they're not really questions, they're more like... topics). It didn't take long for a pattern to emerge when we jokingly responded with one of our classic answers, and realized that it was rather fitting for the next several questions, as well. We collected our favorites, culled that pile a few times, and have narrowed it down to a select few, which I thought I'd post on my blog and put up for a vote :-)

Now, because we're actually fitting questions to answers (rather than the other way around, as specified in the game), this really has a Jeopardy-like flavor to it. And before I present the "answer", allow me to refresh your memory with this post. If you've read it, you'll immediately know what the pending answer is. And if you haven't, message me for the password and go catch up!

Back yet?

Okay, then, here we go. Tonight's answer is:

"Have you ever taken it up the ass?"
(or variations thereof, such as: "Asking 'Have you ever taken it up the ass?'" or "Being asked 'Have you ever...'")

And here are the possible accompanying topics (with some of my own commentary where I felt like it):

1. Things you would have said to Eve had she tricked you into eating the apple (hey, you're already "sinning", may as well go all the way, right?)

2. Things you would like as your last words (now THAT would be a hell of an epitaph!)

3. Things you shouldn't shout at the top of your lungs

4. Things you shouldn't say to break the silence in a conversation (especially at the top of your lungs)

5. Things you shouldn't write on a Valentine's card

6. Things you shouldn't teach your parrot to say (because we all know they'll squawk it at the top of THEIR lungs!)

7. Things you shouldn't say to your husband (Allan made me include this one. I wonder why...)

8. Things you shouldn't title a children's book (hey... what if it's about advanced sex ed??)

9. Things a chimp thinks about when he sees you at the zoo

10. Things that make you jump

11. Things you shouldn't do when having dinner with the Queen

12. Things a lady shouldn't do (Allan made me include this one, too. Don't know why-- he always maintains I'm not a lady...)




So? Which one is your favorite answer? Leave a comment and let me know! :-)

Wrapping up the Month of Sex

I haven't been blogging much lately, but the few recent posts have sort of gotten away from the "month of sex" theme that I fully intended to finish.  There were a few bits and pieces from John's comment that I wanted to write about-- I figured that since many were ideas too small to dedicate a whole blog post to, they were just the right size for sprinkling several together into one post :-)

First up: lingerie. I personally agree with John's assessment that it's a waste. The whole point of lingerie is that it will be taken off very soon. Why spend money on something that, when used for its intended purpose, is only going to be worn for a few minutes? If I know most men, the same effect can be achieved by a woman's strutting around in her birthday suit-- much more cost, time and space-effective, too! ;-)

Location: what's the wildest/wackiest place you've ever done it? For me, it would be places like my office... or my car. Once when the car was parked in a parking garage, and once when we were on the road-- although, as you can imagine, driving kind of limits what you can do. Still, when a van passed us in the next lane, let's just say he found himself not in a hurry to pass us anymore!

Positions: I have learned that these truly depend on people's bodies, and how well they fit together. Before I had my son, doggy-style ranked amongst my favorites. But after I gave birth, something obviously must have changed with the shape of my innards, for I can no longer enjoy it anymore. At best, it's uncomfortable, at worst it's painful. I'm kinda bummed about that, as I remember how much I used to enjoy it, but that's okay, I've moved on to better positions. Namely: woman-on-top. It used to be one of my least favorites, but I've recently learned just how much I can control how I position myself, which in turn led to discovering the right positions that maximize pleasure. So now it ranks as one of my favorties :-) What are your favorites?

Fantasies: I think that anyone who insists they don't have any fantasies has a lot to learn about their sexuality. Obviously, it takes experience and exposure to different ideas in order for your own fantasies to develop, but once ideas take root and start to grow, it adds such a whole new dimension to your sex life. Even just discussing various fantasies with your partner, whether or not they get fulfilled, can be exciting. One of the things that amuses me most is that, when it comes to "conventional" fantasies, my husband and I have our roles reversed-- he's not the one who gets off on the "menage a trois" idea, but I sure am ;-) Do you harbor any fantasies, no matter how small or how outlandish?

Orgasms: If you pay the remotest attention to the stuff that's out there, you'll know that the "female orgasm" is discussed often and is still shrouded in mystery. I have known men who took their women's pleasure quite personally, i.e. if the woman wasn't satisfied, it was an affront to his ego. I think that notion is utterly ridiculous. First of all, your pleasure is not solely your partner's responsibility-- nobody knows your body better than you, you know what works and what doesn't, so either do it yourself, physically guide your partner, or give them verbal feedback on what to do and what to stop.

Second of all, women's bodies are so different and diverse compared to men's. I mean, sure, each man has his own individual preferences, but by and large it's the same-- stimulate penis (esp head) enough, and he's sure to erupt. Women, on the other hand, respond differently to different parts of their delicate bits: some get off on clitoral stimulation, others get off on G-spot stimulation (and let's not even get into trying to *find* this elusive spot in the first place!), others prefer intercourse, some like a combination, and some prefer single sources of stimulation at a time. I guess a lot of that stems from the difference between external and internal genitalia ;-)

From my point of view, orgasm is nice, but it's not the end-all be-all, and it's certainly no reason for a man to beat himself up just because his woman didn't cum during a session. There's lots of aspects of sex to enjoy, things to do that feel good, without necessarily achieving orgasm, and to me, that's much more important.

Finally, I thought I'd link to one of the communities I read on LiveJournal, bad_sex: http://community.livejournal.com/bad_sex/
The name says it all. Some of those stories are so funny, cringe-worthy or even shocking that they make your own minor mishaps look like nothing. (Note: the majority of the posts are locked to members-only, so you'll have to sign in with an LJ account to read them. It's worth it, though!)

So, that about wraps up the month (or two) of sex. I'm sure that sometime in the future another sex-related topic will come up that I just have to write about, but when it does, it'll just be another normal post. For now, I shall conclude the theme and open the floor to you guys. Tell me your stories!

A Hairy Situation

Wow. I must apologize for the long delay in posting, it's been an incredibly busy past couple of weeks. What can I say-- the month of May is, without exception, hellishly busy. I was also running out of steam for ideas on what to write about in keeping with my "month of sex" theme. My friend Tabitha came up with a simple topic that spawned all sorts of writing ideas: shaving! And no, I don't mean the face, legs or armpits. It wouldn't really be sex-themed if it were. Unless that sort of stuff turns you on. But... that's not the point of this post :-P

Ah, pubic hair. It's razors for men's faces that get all the marketing attention, but those same razors come in so handy in shaving the nether regions, as well. It seems that these days, shaving is the way to go. I am not surprised. With women's shaving of their legs so commonplace, it makes sense that next up are the naughty bits. After all, hair on the legs is generally not that intrusive, but pubic hair can be a real jungle!

It might surprise some of you to know that I do not shave my legs. I subscribe to the old wives' tale that warns that shaving will lead to thicker, longer growth back. I'm sure many of you might pooh-pooh it, but my mom is living proof. And lest you think her legs are just an anomaly, let me introduce you to my husband, whose tender bits we had to cleanly and closely shave in preparation for his "snip-snip" operation. What do you suppose grew back? Thicker, bushier hair! It really is true!

Now, despite my assertion that the old wives' tale has a ring of truth to it, I still shave my pubic hair. It's already so coarse and bushy to begin with, I might as well. The feeling of cleanness and smoothness afterward is well worth it. Plus it's a lot easier to maintain than leg hair-- there's much less surface area, and I don't really have to shave that often anyway. I find that I can go about 2-3 weeks before I have to trim it all back down again. A 10-pack of razors can be bought for $1 at the dollar store. And a razor usually last me 2 shavings, i.e. approximately 5-6 weeks. So a one-dollar pack of ordinary razors will last a whole year. The shaving itself is no trick, either. I learned the idea from my ex, who used to shave his face in the shower, where, he pointed out, the hot water was good for softening up his skin. So, a few extra minutes in the shower, and voila! Nice smooth skin :-)

Then there are women who shave all but a little patch of hair (always seemed pointless to me-- if you're making the effort, why not clean everything up all at once?), or even more intriguing, those who shave designs into their hair. I've always wondered how they managed the handiwork and the patience to do that. It does look pretty intricate, when done right.

Another thing that has intrigued both me and Allan (though for slightly different reasons) is the process of permanent (via laser) hair removal. Allan only shaves his face twice a week, but even after the first day post-shave, his stubble is irritating enough that I have to be careful when I kiss him. Scratched-up lips are not my idea of fun! It would be sooo convenient if he could just have a permanently smooth face. We've both lamented about it. It would save him that extra work, and we could kiss each other freely whenever we wanted :-) The thought of permanent hair removal between my legs has also crossed my mind. I think at this point it seems like it's a bit too risky for an area that sensitive (not to mention time-consuming, expensive, and no guarantee of how well it would work), but I must admit, the idea is fascinating!

Well, whether it's permanent or ongoing, I'm definitely a big fan of keeping the girly bits clean shaven. Or, at the very least, trimming it close. I don't know, maybe it's because I've been conditioned by the media. Modern-day adult videos almost always feature clean-shaven women. Contrast that with vintage porn from a few decades ago, when women went au naturel. To me it seems... less clean somehow. At the very least, it seems like you run a higher risk of winding up with some unwanted pubic hair in your mouth, yuck! Eating your own head hair is an unpleasant enough experience... seeing pubic hair in the shower is just plain gross... a combination of the two? Ick!

And on that lovely note, I think I shall post this and see what you, dear readers, think of shaving. Do you do it? Do you like it when your partner does? Any interesting side stories?

Oral Communication

If you'll remember my post introducing the "month of sex" and soliciting idea, John commented with in idea for a topic: oral sex. He even included a funny story of his own, whereby "my mother in law told my wife’s cousin on her wedding day to remember that the mouth can be used for more than kissing/talking" ;-)

My favorite story is a little closer to home-- with my brother-in-law telling his future mother-in-law: "Your daughter likes it in the ear. Every time I try to stick it in her mouth, she turns her head!" Obviously she was unruffled by the comment, as she is now his mother-in-law and has been for many years.

What about you? What funny stories can you share?

While we're on the subject, a comment my friend Scot made on my previous blog entry made me pause and think. He said something to the effect of how only a person with the same equipment as you (i.e. of the same gender) would be able to fully understand how said equipment works/feels, and be able to give you the greatest pleasure (in this case, the best blowjob). Now, on the surface, this may be true, as it's only natural to best understand what you yourself are familiar with/have experience with. This holds true not just for sex, but just about any aspect of your life.

But I think it goes beyond that. If you've trained on the piano all your life, you're naturally going to be better at it than, say, the violin. But that doesn't mean you can't practice just as hard and become equally good on the violin, as well. Now, obviously, it's a little harder for a person to fully empathize with what it's like to possess the "equipment" of the opposite sex. But you can be "trained" in that, can't you? Because the fact is, even though two people of the same gender may possess the same equipment, in reality, no two people are alike. What one woman likes done between her legs is going to be different from what another woman likes. You just can't generalize.

This is where the key comes in: communication. I know it sounds so cliche, but its importance is just as paramount in the bedroom as it is elsewhere in the relationship. My husband may know what works best on his own body, but guess what? It's not so hard to put it into words and convey this information to me. I've learned what to do and what not to do, because we talk about it. We talk about it before sex, during sex or after sex-- there isn't any right or wrong time to discuss it, and it's mutually beneficial. I get to learn what works for my husband, and he gets to enjoy himself fully without wasting time/effort with me doing things that might not be pleasurable for him. The same goes the other way, too. Communication.

Some may view it as an ego thing-- they either don't like being told what to do (or being told that what they are doing doesn't feel good), or they're afraid of hurting the other person's feelings by saying "don't do that, try this". But again, communication in the bedroom is no different from communication outside it. If you're in a committed relationship, you're going to have to get over your trepidation of being honest with your partner (no matter what the topic, be it sex, money, family, etc), and just... open up! And if you don't tell your partner what you do/don't like, how are they ever going to know? How will they ever be able to give you the pleasure they want to?

Which brings me to another topic. They say it's better to give than to receive. I can personally vouch for that. A lot of women have hangups, to one degree or another, about oral sex. When it comes to giving, they don't really like to do it, or they think it's dirty, or maybe they don't actually mind but just see it as some chore they have to get out of the way before proceeding with intercourse. To those women, I gotta say-- you're missing out on a whole lot! Taking the right attitude and taking the time to get to know your man and what he likes will empower you and give you unexpected pleasure. There's nothing quite like working magic with your lips and tongue, tailored to your man's specific likes. It's such a turn on-- an not just for him. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be a turn-on to *give* someone pleasure. It's just as good as receiving it. I believe this holds true on the flip side, as well-- male readers, I'd love to hear from you! Which means that for women: just as it's important to communicate with your man and learn what he likes, it's important to likewise communicate your own likes and desires to him. No point lying there waiting and hoping his fingers/tongue will just happen to hit the right spots-- show him what those right spots are! I'm sure he'd appreciate the feedback, and derive just as much pleasure in pleasing you as you do receiving it. After all, he's not a mind-reader. History has, after all, proven that ;-)

I think I'll get off my soapbox now :-) I guess my bottom line is that being able and willing to freely communicate how exactly your body works to your partner is very important. And that giving pleasure, with genuine enthusiasm and passion, can be quite the turn on, even if you're not touching yourself simultaneously. It basically goes back to those "psychological factors" that Scot and I discussed on my previous blog post. Guess that just further proves that the brain is indeed the most powerful sex organ!

Do You Take It...

To start things off, I thought I'd share a hilarious little video, which served as the inspiration for my post and its title (NSFW, but then again, I would hope that if you're reading this, you already know it contains risque material ;-) )



If you've read my previous post, you've no doubted noted that one of the toys I talked about was a strapon. I thought I'd elaborate a little more on what I wrote then, and, while we're on the subject, talk about another, closely-related topic.

First off, buttsex.

Within the broad spectrum that the realm of sex and sexual activities encompass, it's the one big unifying factor between men and women. Let's face it-- the way we're built, women will never know what it's like to give, and men will never know what it's like to receive. Surgery notwithstanding, of course ;-P But men and women both have asses. Thus, we both know what it feels like to be touched there, and to take something up there.

Therefore, anal sex is one of the few acts that can truly be shared in a way that few others can be, a sensation that we both have in common, and that can be completely understood by both partners.

Obviously, I'm a big proponent of it ;-) But what was it like for me, personally?

Now, to be honest, my first experience was neither as earth-shattering nor as traumatic as it is for other women. It was more of a "hey, I haven't done this before, let's try it for the heck of it" moment. It wasn't much of a big deal (mostly because that whole episode itself kinda fizzled-- but that's another story), but just having done it and realizing that it didn't hurt and actually felt really nice played a big role in warming me further to the idea.

Since then, I've learned that the single key factor in a successful anal experience (at least, from the receiving point of view) is basic tender loving care. I have a friend who, for a long time, eschewed the idea of buttsex, wouldn't even consider it. Then she met a guy she really fell for, and though he never pushed her for it, she knew it was something he was interested in, and eventually found herself willing to give it a try, just because she loved him so much. To her surprise, she found that it wasn't as bad as she'd always feared.

Which is why I say-- once you've tried it, it opens up a whole new world for you. This is where women have an advantage-- they have one more hole than men in which to take it ;-) It's definitely a different sensation, but can be equally (if not more) pleasurable. And when it's done with the right person, it can be an absolutely amazing experience!

So what does all this have to do with strapons? I think you know by now. And if you don't, then you have a thing or two to learn about Helly and the way her mind works ;-)

It wasn't until I was talking to someone else about the post/the toy that I realized it might be miscontrued as using it on a girl. Umm... no. No, I was talking about role-reversal-- doing a guy from behind with a strapon ;-)

A strapon may just be a fake toy, but when I'm wearing it, it comes amazingly close to feeling like it's a real part of my body. When I first used one, I didn't expect to derive any pleasure out of it, I just expected to have a little fun "turning the tables" on my ex and letting him experience how much fun anal could be. To my utter surprise, I found that I could almost outright *feel* the sensations of going in and out. Obviously it was purely psychological, as there were no actual nerve endings connecting the dildo to my brain (although I supposed double-ended dildos try to make up for that). I think it's akin to the "phantom limb" phenomenon, whereby amputees feel pain or other sensations in their now-missing limbs. It was a most eye-opening experience, and I'm still blown away at how how realistic (and terrific!) it all felt from my end. Highly recommended, ladies-- what better way to add some real dimension to your sex life than by getting a feel for what it's like to be on the giving end? ;-)

Now, I can't speak from a guy's perspective, giving it-- so I'm actually kinda curious-- what's it like for a guy to give? What's the difference between one hole and the other?

Like, oh my god, I'm like, so gonna...

(Reposted and edited from my Myspace blog 4 years ago)

On New Year's Eve 2005 I joined some of my online friends in a multi-person voice conference over Yahoo. It was a lot of fun-- and since we were all adults in there, things got a bit, well, rowdy at times At one point I brought up a reference to preview clip to this porn movie featuring your stereotypical surfer dude and Valley girl. Some people got a good laugh out of it, others were mildly amused. Nobody was particularly shocked (or if they were, they sure hid their reaction well!), because most of the people there knew me well enough to know that, quite frankly, my innocent-looking pictures belie the profane mind underneath.

Since then, I've met more friends who have gotten to know this side of me, with mixed reactions (mostly positive, though. I guess just about everyone out there has a dirty mind-- some are just better at denying it than others ;-) )

Anyway, that original conversation (along with ensuing ones in the years after) got me thinking about people who have such hangups about porn. Mainly, I've never really understood people-- women, mostly-- who get jealous or judge their partners for looking at porn. I mean, I can understand if it got to the point of interfering with their normal lives-- that's addiction, and just like any addiction, it's a problem. And the problem lies with the addiction itself, not the substance. But so many women fail to understand that it can be a natural-- and fun!-- part of their sex lives, when used properly. I'd encourage most women to at least give it a chance. They're as much a "toy" as the conventional paraphernalia that comes to mind when we think of "adult toys" (like the stuff in my previous post). I'll be the first to admit that I've gotten some of my best ideas from adult movies. Sometimes it can be fun to watch with your partner and try out new things you see. And it has non-sexual value, too-- sometimes you can just kick back and enjoy a good laugh at some of the wackier things on the screen (or the incredibly poor acting).

Even if a woman has absolutely no interest in it, I don't understand why she would begrudge her partner his viewing it. If it's a normal, healthy relationship she shouldn't feel threatened by it. The only time I get "mad" at my husband for watching porn is if he comes across a really good clip he knows I'll like and doesn't share it with me ;-) But seriously-- just because a man watches it doesn't necessarily mean that he has no interest in his partner, or isn't attracted to her anymore. I wish more women would realize this and not be such sticks in the mud about it.

And in case you were wondering, the title of my blog entry stemmed from the Valley girl/surfer dude scene-- at the point of climax, the girl broke out in full Valley dialect, while the guy? There aren't any appropriate letters in the alphabet to express the garbled sounds he was making-- you just had to hear it. And see it. I thought he was having a seizure! See? Much comic value in unexpected places! :-D

(original post from Jan 5, 2006 (along with ensuing comment hilarity) is here: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=28049135&blogId=74957761)

On Toys

In the process of soliciting ideas for posts, I received a number of fabulous suggestions. Where to start? :-) Tabitha mentioned talking about my favorite (and least favorite) toys. Sounds like a good a place as any to start!

When it comes down to it, my basic thought is: I'd rather have the "real deal" than something fake. Toys tend to be cold (brr!) and, in the case of battery-operated devices, too hard for comfort. Yes, there really is such a thing :-P It is also why I prefer a nice "soft" rubber/gel dildo to a vibrator. Besides, if I wanted vibrations I could just put my phone on silent mode and stick it down there ;-P

However. This doesn't mean that you can't have fun with them. There's a sufficient variety of toys out there that there's always something for someone, right?

Here's a few I've used over the years:

One toy I ended up enjoying more for hygienic purposes was a hollow pink dildo full of holes, attached to some tubing that was meant to be screwed onto a shower. Turn the water on, and you have a very pretty sprinkler-like effect. Shove it where the sun don't shine, and you've got an instant enema. First time I ever used it, the side effect of always having to rush to the toilet afterward was more amusing than anything. Never got any erotic pleasure out of it, but man, did it clean you out! And when you're doing other things up there, it's prudent to keep clean, and that little thing did the trick ;-)

I also had double-headed dildo, gel-like in appearance. A friend once relayed a story about how she and her husband used one simultaneously-- each taking one end while they faced each other. They had a lot of fun with it. Me, I once tried folding my double-edged sword in half and using both heads simultaneously on myself. It was the closest I'd ever gotten to trying DP. Wasn't too successful, probably because I ended up laughing too much at how funny it looked and how lame my attempts were (hey! that thing was stiff and not very easy or wieldy to bend!), but hell-- that's the best part, isn't it? Being able to laugh and be silly and have FUN :-D

Finally, my favorite toy of all: the famous (infamous?) Vac-U-Lock strapon. At the time, it was just about the only strapon you could get. It was rather expensive, and limited in the variety of attachments you could put on it. But hey, this was 10 years ago, I'm sure things have changed in the world of strapons today. More variety, cheaper prices. Time to go shopping, methinks! And no matter what, it's very handy for, uh, turning the tables. Resulting in a surprisingly unique experience, too! Though I think I'll save that for another post, so be sure to stay tuned!

Then there's the ultimate, most expensive toy. It is warm, just the right size, and cannot be surpassed in realism. What do you suppose it is? Why none other than my very own human dildo, aka hubby! :-D (that reminds me of something I've always wanted to try-- one of those mold-your-own-penis kits. How's that for keeping it as realistic (and therefore, easier to use) as possible?)

Hmm... I'm a vaguely disappointed to read back on this and realize that I haven't really used all that many toys. Perhaps I should remedy that. What about you, dear readers? What are your favorites?

Strippers: Male or Female?

I've gotten some interesting feedback on my previous post, in which I announce my upcoming collection of sex-related posts. If you haven't stopped by to offer your ideas and suggestions, please do!

Some of my entries will be re-posts of stuff I've written before-- such as this one.

To start it off, I thought I'd begin with a fairly tame (comparatively speaking!) topic: strippers. Specifically, in the male form vs female form sense. This old cartoon from the "Luann" comic strip reflects the post quite nicely:

A long time ago, my friend Lisa blogged about strippers and how she'd prefer to see a female stripper rather than a male stripper. She wanted to know if that made her weird. I thought about it, and I decided that no, she isn't weird and that yes, I agree with her way of thinking.

Now, don't get me wrong-- I can appreciate some good male eye candy as much as the next red-blooded heterosexual female. But when it comes to the fluid motion of a writhing stripper, the female form has a certain elegance that no man can rival. I mean, a woman has all these curves in all the right places, which make her and her dancing easy on the eyes. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and each has unique attributes that can be showcased nicely as she disrobes around the strip pole. A male stripper? Well, he'd better have a six-pack and buns of steel or he isn't going to attract many whistling viewers. (That's not to say that *I* personally am a fan of the muscled, rock-hard body, but the fact is, most women, and hence, most paying customers, are.)

I don't know-- maybe it's the fact that the female body, in all its femininity, is softer and more pleasing to the eyes. Or maybe it's the fact that there's more variety to look at. Maybe this variety allows women to dance in a number of versatile ways and still project sexiness. A man gyrating his hips and tossing his head back in a similar fashion... I dunno, that just sounds silly. It would seem that for a male stripper to project this same smoky sexiness, his movement routine would be more limited than a woman's.

All in all, while I wouldn't be averse to a girls' night out at a male strip club, a trip to a female strip club would suit me just as well.

On a side note-- one of the earlier times that hubby and I were in Las Vegas, we hit a fairly classy strip joint, and one of the women came up to us and offered me-- me! not my husband!-- a lap dance. I politely declined, but in retrospect, maybe I should've taken her up on the offer. Just to see what it entails. Perhaps even learn a few moves of my own. And to be able to tip her nicely for being so sweet and friendly :-)

(original post from Feb 8, 2006 (along with ensuing comments), is here: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=28049135&blogId=85892940)

A Month of Sex

This month, our pastor is doing a series called "A Month of Sex". So far, the sermons have been run-of-the-mill "save it till marriage" stuff, although our pastor at least offers a more enlightened view in that once you're married, there are no holds barred on your bedroom antics! ;-) Made for a lot of winks and nudges between me and hubby in the theater :-D

Last night I was perusing some of my older blog entries on Blogger and Myspace, and had a good laugh at some of the more risque ones. Granted, at the time, which was the height of my blogging days, the comments sections often ran away with more innuendo and hilarity than the original post, but both were fun to re-read just the same.

So I thought I would likewise start a blog series here with a similar theme-- "A Week of Sex". Or two, depending on how much I wind up writing about. Only instead of making it to a Biblical focus the way it's going on in church this month, I want to write about *anything* related to sex. For example, I've already decided to re-post some of my older entries (many from 3-4 years ago) here, so I've got a few topics, such as strippers (and why I'd prefer to see a woman on stage instead of a man) and adult movies (where I question women's hangups with it), in mind already, as a start.

This is where you, dear readers, come in. Despite what some of you may know about me, I can't come up with all the topics by myself. I need ideas. I need inspiration. I need good blog fodder, and I'm opening this up to your suggestions. I know a lot of you (especially my email subscribers) read this but don't comment, so I'm inviting you out of the woodwork now. What should I write about it? Any suggestions are welcome, at any level of detail.

Don't be shy-- let's make this a concerted effort! :-)

Another test

A little time-killer. This one was reminiscent of the "Everything Test" we all took last week.
And the results of this one should surprise no one. How I got a PG-13 on the Everything Test while getting these scores on this test, is beyond me:

..> ..>

The eXtreme Relationship/Sexuality Test

Your overall dating experience is 36%.     Your sexual experience is 57%, higher than 71% of other test-takers.     Your sex-drive level is 78%, higher than 89% of others.     Your morality index is 4 out of 10, where lower is less inhibited.     The average scores are 33% dating and 42% sexual experience.

Find out how you compare! Take the test!     brought to you by thatsurveysite

Alrighty then!

Your Passion is Yellow

You're a total sexual shape shifter. You possess a complex sex drive and are very adaptable. Of all the colors, you are the most likely to be bisexual. While you the most passionate, you are very open minded.

What Color Is Your Passion?

Ummm... yeah... complex? I dunno, I'm pretty simple-- I know what I like :-)

Open-minded? Yeah, I suppose that's true.

Adaptable and bisexual? Hmm, hey Allan-- maybe there's more to these constant assertions that Ingrid and I are girlfriends, eh? ;-)

(originally posted at: http://www.myspace.com/hellykwee/blog/161923993