Sit n Pee

One thing I have never understood is why men need to stand when they pee at a toilet. They have to lift the seat, and, more often than not, their aim isn't entirely accurate. Even if the stream all goes in the right direction, there's still bits of spray to contend with, which, unless you scrub your toilet and mop your bathroom floor every day, results in disgusting gunk on the rim of the bowl and on the floor by the toilet. Nasty.

And riddle me this: when a man poops, he sits down, doesn't he? And if he's like most human beings, he'll also pee during this process. So if he can pee while sitting to poop, why can't he just sit down to pee ALL the time!?

As far as I'm concerned, barring a medical condition causing an inability to sit, there is NO valid reason to have to stand up to pee in a toilet (note that I'm talking about ordinary household toilets, not urinals, third-world holes in the floor, or the woods).

What does all of this have to do with Germany? Two things:

1. A hilarious sticker that has been in the bathroom of one of our old German friends (they were my parents' classmates at university when I was born) for as long as I can remember:

2. A YouTube video of German comedian Thomas Hermanns poking the website of MAPSU (Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up):




Yes, it's in German, but he reads portions of the (English language) website out loud, so you can get the general gist of it. Or better yet, look up the website yourself ;-)

Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up. Yup, that's a cause I can get behind!

I'm posting every day in October as part of the 31-Day Writing Challenge. Click here to read more about it and to see the rest of my posts this month!

Faking Jealousy?

Remember how I asserted that one of the "cons" of husbands is that they are constantly consternating? Well, one of the ways Allan in particular manifests this is that he will intentionally say and do things that get an irritated, annoyed "WTF is wrong with you!?" rise out of me. Sometimes this is physical-- maybe he tries to tickle or poke me, or makes weird faces at me. More often, though, it's verbal, and he'll intentionally say something mocking or provocative just to elicit a consternated, confounded response :-P

There is, however, one technique that would typically work on most women, but doesn't work on me. And that is evoking the green-eyed monster.

Neither of us really gets jealous of the other. We're confident enough in our relationship that we don't worry about that kind of stuff. We understand that it's perfectly natural for us to admire other people besides each other. My take on it is: how can my husband really appreciate me if he's unable to appreciate (the beauty of) other women? It's like admiring and appreciating a beautiful painting in a museum without feeling the slightest impulse to take it home.

So, we don't get jealous when the other spouse talks (or even flirts a little) with someone of the opposite sex. In fact, I actually think it's kinda neat if another woman tries to flirt with Allan-- shows that he's still got it, even in his 40's ;-)

So if jealousy doesn't get a rise out of me, what does? Well, all those other tactics I mentioned above. And these days, with Allan trying those other tactics to intentionally get a rise out of me, I think I may have to resort to faking a jealous response the next time a girl talks to him. Maybe that way, thinking he's fulfilled his "annoy Helly" quota for the day, he'll lay off the actions that TRULY consternate me ;-P

What do you think? Do you think it would work? ;-)

How to Defend Yourself Against (Much-Bigger) Hubby

My tall 6'8" freak of a husband stands a good foot taller than me and weighs at least 100 pounds more than me. As you can imagine, there is just no way I could ever be a match for him, physically. If he wanted to pin me down so he could tickle me, there's little I could do in the way of defending myself.

That is, if we're talking about brute strength alone.

So, since I can't match him, strength-wise, I resort to other ways to get the best of him. Here are my top three techniques, all of them remarkably effective:

1. My elbows. Apparently, I have sharp, pointy elbows, a swift blow from which knocks Allan down in pain, especially if I get him in the right spots: between the muscles (i.e. Charlie Horse) or between the ribs. Best of all, I hardly feel it, as my bony elbows don't exactly have a lot of nerves there ;-) These days, all I have to do is yell "Elbows of death!" and threaten him, waving flexed elbows in his general direction, and he immediately cries "Uncle!"

2. My hair. As I've often lamented before, it is so coarse and so thick and numerous that more often than not, it just gets in the way. As much as it bothers me to have my own hair get in the way, it bothers other people even more. So I've learned to put this nuisance to task. All I have to do is unclip my hair and throw it in Allan's face, and the result is such a huge amount of annoyance that he immediately lets go and gives in!

3. Tickles. I've learned all of Allan's ticklish spots. It's the usual: armpits and feet, mostly. And those he can easily keep out of reach. But one spot that isn't as easily hidden? His ears! It was actually his mother that told me about his ticklishness there, and I've taken advantage of that fact every chance I get! But only in self-defense, of course O:-)

What I like best about these techniques is that none of them require a significant amount of force. And isn't that the best way to overcome your nemesis, or at least allow an escape? Not brute force, but clever application of one or two effective little techniques ;-)

The Pros and Cons of Husbands

"Husbands: can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em!" -- such is a popular refrain punctuating the end of a conversation, argument, or blog post. At least, it is in my household and my realm ;-)

For today's blog post, I decided to try to map out the pros and cons of husbands. An exercise in futility, you say. We all know the cons outweigh the pros. Perhaps, but maybe keeping mindful of the pros will help put the cons into perspective, or at the very least, keep us from strangling our husbands. After all, last time I checked, murder was still a capital offense in this country :-P

First up, the pros:

1. Husbands make good heaters. On cold, chilly days like the ones we've been having lately, nothing is more efficient at warming you up than snuggling with a nice, warm husband under the covers.

2. They make good jar openers. Or tackle any other thing where physical strength is needed (assuming that he happens to be stronger than you).

3. They serve as stepladder substitutes. Much more convenient to have him fetch that item from the top shelf for you! Again, assuming he is taller than you.

What of the cons, then?

1. Snoring. I know women are just as guilty of this, but there is something about most men's snoring that no woman can compete with. It's not just loud, it's deep and rumbling so that even earplugs are useless. My own son doesn't want to sleep in the same room as Daddy because the snoring keeps him up!

2. They're smelly! Sure, wives are no beds of roses themselves, but husbands outshine them in that regard as well. It would take me hours of activity to work up as much sweat as my husband can accumulate in 30 minutes. And when it comes to passing gas? Which we're comfortable doing in front of each other because, well, we're married? Again, there is no comparison. Mr. Stinkbomb wins, hands-down!

3. When you have kids, they could pass along a Y chromosome, resulting in a son who... *drumroll*... is just like his Daddy. 'nuff said.

4. The pièce de résistance: Husbands are constant sources of consternation! My own husband personifies this a thousandfold by cracking lame jokes. By mocking me when he can think of nothing else to say. By purposefully doing things that annoy me (like attempt to tickle me). He picks on me and then "wins" arguments with the unbeatable "well, look who you married" line.

So really... as soon as the little man is grown and out of the house, and as soon as I get my own electric blanket, electric jar opener, and a small, convenient stepladder, hubby had better watch out! ;-)

Father? I Myth You!

Few things make me laugh as hard as this picture, which is the first time I realized that Jamie Hyneman really did resemble a walrus. Sorry Jamie, but that little pinniped is way cuter ;-)

This picture, of course, prompted me to do a Google search on baby walruses, to see if I could find more pictures and trivia. What do you think the first result that came up was? This exact same walrus! Turns out his name is Mitik, a rescued orphaned walrus. Apparently, walruses are sociable and like to cuddle... which can be problematic, as even baby walruses can weigh hundreds of pounds! More Mitik cuteness and an exposition on what it's like to cuddle with a baby walrus:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jtes/whats-it-like-to-snuggle-with-a-baby-walrus

All that, of course, prompted me to shift my search focus to something more attainable: a stuffed walrus! The winner? Cuddlekins, by Wild Republic, of course! All of our favorite animals (which have that perfect blend of realism and cuteness) come from this line: tarantula, scorpion, Pacific octopus, skunk, and seal.

Today he arrived in the mail! Here he is, ready to repeat the Mythbusters meme above ;-)

Well? What should we name him?

Things You Do When You've Been Married Too Long

Tonight we had a small group of friends over and got a chance to introduce them to the game of "Things".  It's one of those games that can go downhill real fast, and how much fun it is depends on how much in the gutter your friends' minds can go. The deeper the better :-)

Basically, during each round, one person reads off a topic card, for example "Things you shouldn't say to your grandmother", everyone submits an anonymous answer, and then everyone goes around, taking turns trying to guess who answered what. As you can imagine, responses can run the gamut from the very tame to the downright obscene, and hilarity always ensues.

One other phenomenon that occasionally occurs is when more than one person submits the exact same answer. It really brings to mind the old "Great minds think alike... and so do ours!" adage.

Well, tonight proved that when you've been together as long as Allan and I have (and really, 9.5 years isn't really that long, compared to other people!) you start thinking alike.

There were a couple of rounds where we both gave somewhat similar answers. But then! Then came a round towards the end, where the topic was: "Things you've paid too much for".

Our answers? See for yourself:

No... our answers weren't similar. They were downright IDENTICAL.

This really does prove that we've been married too long. Not only did we give the exact same answer, but we both apparently felt that we'd paid some exorbitantly high prices in order to be married to each other ;-)

Royal Flatulence?

My friend Tabitha reposted an anecdote that her mom shared, about an amusing typo that showed up on the lyrics screen of a Christmas concert she attended. When the choir sang "Silent Night", the following appeared on the screen:

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beans from Thy holy face ...

Which, of course, made her (and readers of that anecdote) giggle!

That story reminded me of something Allan said long ago, about a song that our worship team frequently sings at church during Sunday services. It's called "Mighty to Save" and part of the lyrics go like this:

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...

Allan swears that the last line sounds like "lizard king" instead of "risen king". So now, everytime we hear (about) that song, I remind Allan: "Hey, it's the Lizard King song!"

Naturally, these two stories combined inspired me to create a cartoon drawing of a crown-wearing lizard with shining beans emanating from its face. Here is the end result:

So now the bigger question is: do lizard kings get gassy from all those radiant beans??

Ah, (gassy) lizard kings and radiant beans... that's the stuff Christmas is made of! ;-)

More Strange Dreams

A while back I wrote a post detailing some of the recurring dreams I've always had: flying/falling, mouth full of food, driving a car that won't brake, and yelling at Allan ;-)

I also wrote about how sometimes, when I'm especially in the thick of something at work, I'll wind up carrying it along with me to Dreamland. Funny how the mind works. For instance, this past couple of months I've been mired in personnel promotion cases. On top of that, I had some intensive training on the subject yesterday. So last night, I dreamed about... *drumroll* doing personnel cases! Only in my dream, Jennifer Aniston was one of the faculty being considered for promotion, and my friend Tabitha was helping me with her case. I couldn't even begin to imagine what that's supposed to mean. Not like Jennifer is one of my favorite actresses or that I'd seen anything with her in it lately. Oh well-- sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar, right?

In other news... 

The youth pastor at our church Tweeted about a dream he had last night, and it immediately reminded me of a joke that doesn't exactly belong in church. It seems wrong to connect a dirty joke with our youth pastor, but I'm sure he'd understand :-)

His Tweet: "Last night I was dreaming about petting a cat.  When I woke up I was petting my hand!  Weird!"

The joke: Three guys were out hiking and camping, and when they got to their cabin, they realized it only had one bed. At least it was large enough to hold all 3 of them, so they climbed in and went to sleep. The next morning, the guy on the left said: "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was getting a handjob!" The guy on the right said: "I dreamt I was getting a handjob, too!" The guy in the middle stretched and yawned, then said: "I dreamt that I was skiing!"

:-D

Apparently, we aren't the only ones having weird dreams last night. Stephanie dreamt of narwhals, and then posted this picture. I'm not normally much for Star Wars (I prefer Star Trek, myself), but I think narwhals are cute and cool, and really enjoyed the picture! :-)

How about you? Any weird or wacky dreams lately?

Things We Wish We Could Tweet/FB

Warning: not for the faint of heart!

About a year ago, I started jotting down some of the funny, irreverent, and downright dirty things that came up in conversation with Allan. Things that you'd love to Tweet or post on Facebook, but deemed rather inappropriate. So I thought I'd start saving them up privately, and before long, I'd amassed quite a collection. Now's the perfect time to blog it, I figured, so here you are. I'll leave it to your imagination to figure out who said what (aside from the obvious, of course).

MARRIAGE:

•  Mutual suspicion-- it's what makes a good marriage work
•  The day we stop cussing each other out is the day we know our marriage is in trouble
•  Our marriage is successful because it's the product of a failed divorce.

SEX:

•  Mental note: zerberts on the penis are good
•  (corollary to above) I just gave my husband a blowjob... literally! And he enjoyed it!
•  While making out with my husband, I heard a very clear and loud "boink!" (the IM chime on his phone)
•  Helly just got shocked by Allan's balls! (static)
•  She won't fake an orgasm, but she'll fake a tickle
•  Uh-oh, she's closing the blinds. She's either gonna fuck me or kill me.
•  (pouty-faced) I thought I was supposed to cum!
•  It's not GoToFuck! (on Allan staying in Portland while I'm in SB, and keeping in touch via chat/webcam, plus toys hooked up to each "other")
•  (in a resigned tone after finding nothing in the adult store) *sigh* I guess I'll have to buy a double-headed dildo online
•  "Ooh, baby! Do me 'till I dangle a participle!" (on sex while blogging-- and yes, for the record, this really works!)
•  Note to self: the apricot face scrub is NOT lube!
•  They're not speed bags, dammit, they're my testicles!

PERVERSION:

•  Allan: "I didn't marry a prude!" Helly: "No. *I* did!"
•  My wife's definition of "decorum" is saying "boob sex" instead of "titty fuck". Sigh.
•  What are you talking about!? You have your own built-in strapon! (Helly responding to Allan's assertion that she has more experience with strapons than he does)
•  Is a JB (possibly acronym for Jitter Buffer) a reverse blowjob? If so, does it mean the woman tries to spit cum back into the man's penis until it goes flaccid?

MISCELLANY:

•  You know... fuck being Asian! (on the practice of lugging around tons of souvenirs to bring home when traveling)
•  Is word leprosy an STD? (see this post for more on "word leprosy": http://heckledtrio.blogspot.com/2010/01/word-leprosy.html)
•  Humans: can't live with 'em... fuck 'em!

The Copier Warms Up

Our ancient copy machines take forever to warm up after a night of "sleeping". I had the happy "fortune" of having to wake one of these behemoths up, as I was the first one to use them one morning. I waited, and waited, and waited. Then waited some more. Before long, I realized that the screen kept changing pictures to match the warming-up progress. I decided to take pictures of it as it went along, not realizing that I'd have a whole slew of pictures by the time the copier was completely warmed up. It probably took a good 5 minutes, but at least I was somewhat entertained throughout it all!

It began with a space shuttle, ready for launch:

I missed the shot of the space shuttle reaching the top of that... whatever that scaffolding next to is called, but there is a screen where it has risen, plumes of smoke billowing out behind it. Then came a picture of the shuttle well on its way into space:

 

Distant planets are starting to come into view:

 I see meteors and other distant galaxies!

Finally, docking with another spacecraft. And now we actually get to see astronauts floating around in space.

Did you notice something interesting-- the progress bar to the left the entire time? It started out completely filled, and then emptied as the copier warmed up. Quite the opposite of what you'd expect in a progress bar, isn't it? Usually you expect those things to fill up, not empty, as it progresses. Definitely threw me for a loop the first time I saw it.

I have to admit, this sequence of pictures was actually kind of neat. kept me entertained during the wait, at least!

Coffins from Costco, or Postmortem Bling?

A friend posted on FB about an interesting find he came across while browsing the costco.com website: a "funeral" section, stocked with coffins and other funeral-related essentials. How about that! When Costco aims to be a one-stop shopping place, with its gas stations and fast food and electronics in addition to food and household items, they're really rounding things out with funeral accessories! I'm not sure how Costco's prices stack up against normal "retail" prices of caskets at your average funeral home, but I guess if you really find yourself in the market for one, and if a comparable coffin goes for price difference of at least $50, then it's worth a year's membership just for the casket ;-)

Of course, Costco sells traditional, run-of-the-mill funeral items: caskets, urns, flower stands. Stuff you'd typically find at your local mortuary. But that's assuming that you're going to choose traditional burial or cremation for yourself or for your loved one. But what if you don't want to go with the norm?

Back in January 2006, I spotted an article in the current issue of Popular Science that dealt with the various alternatives of body disposal (besides cremation and burial) available to the public. One environmentally-friendly option is dipping the body into a vat of liquid nitrogen, which essentially freeze-dries it and makes it so brittle that one zap of vibration shatters it into a pile of powder. This powder is then put into a potato-starch box and buried in the ground, where everything disintegrates within a year, returning nutrients to the soil. Pretty eco-conscious, not to mention cost effective (at $1000, about the same cost as cremation, and much less than the $8000 average price tag for conventional funerals and burials). And as they say... ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Very fitting, no?

But wait, it gets better (this is copied verbatim from the article):

LifeGem in Elk Grove Village, Illinois, has perfected a flashier type of after-death alchemy: transforming cremated remains into man-made diamonds. Technicians extract pure carbon from the ashes, then place the carbon into a diamond press that exerts intense heat (about 2200 degrees Fahrenheit) and pressures of up to 50,000 atmospheres for several days. The rough diamond that results-- which will be naturally colored yellow or orange but can, through processing, be made blue with trace amounts of the element boron-- can be faceted and polished just like an ordinary stone. In addition to choosing the color, you can specify the size of your LifeGem, from 0.2 to 1 carat. At $20,000 for a 1-carat blue diamond, though, it's a fair bit more expensive than a typical cremation, which costs around $1000 (small yellow gemstones start at $2700). Total turnaround time: six to nine months.

LifeGems have attracted a devoted following of thousands who prefer their deceased loved ones around their fingers, not underfoot. "The diamonds are tangible, they're beautiful, and they can be handed down", says the company's CFO, Mike Herro. "Family members say we've made their difficult situation a little bit better".

How's that for an icebreaker at a party-- stumped for something to say? Just show off your jewelry and explain how that's Grandma on your finger or Great Aunt Millie around your neck.

And in case you're wondering why I'm quoting an article that's almost 5 years old, it's because I did blog about it on my Grab.com blog back when that issue of the magazine came out. No doubt LifeGem was a fledgling company back then. I looked them up, and it appears that they are still around. Wonder how business is doing. Given the fact that nothing in life is certain but taxes and death, I suppose they'll always have a steady supply of customers, if people are quirky enough to consider it ;-)

Me? I actually like the sound of the more eco-friendly options. If nothing else, it saves money AND space. I always wondered what would happen when cemeteries ran out of room to landscape more burial plots or build more mausoleums.

How about you? What are post-life options would you consider?

"Things", Jeopardy-style

Allan and I finally caved in and bought our own copy of The Game of Things the last time we were at Target. We'd had too much fun with it the last couple of times we played. You can read more about the (mis)adventures on Tabitha's blog: first, with her friends, and then again several months later with our friends.

Her blog explains how the game works, but the gist of it is that everyone takes turns reading off a card with sentences like "Things you can't stop", everyone writes their answers, and then takes turns guessing who wrote what.

Well, after we bought our own copy of the game, Allan and I spent an evening riffling through the cards and laughing at some of the questions (okay, they're not really questions, they're more like... topics). It didn't take long for a pattern to emerge when we jokingly responded with one of our classic answers, and realized that it was rather fitting for the next several questions, as well. We collected our favorites, culled that pile a few times, and have narrowed it down to a select few, which I thought I'd post on my blog and put up for a vote :-)

Now, because we're actually fitting questions to answers (rather than the other way around, as specified in the game), this really has a Jeopardy-like flavor to it. And before I present the "answer", allow me to refresh your memory with this post. If you've read it, you'll immediately know what the pending answer is. And if you haven't, message me for the password and go catch up!

Back yet?

Okay, then, here we go. Tonight's answer is:

"Have you ever taken it up the ass?"
(or variations thereof, such as: "Asking 'Have you ever taken it up the ass?'" or "Being asked 'Have you ever...'")

And here are the possible accompanying topics (with some of my own commentary where I felt like it):

1. Things you would have said to Eve had she tricked you into eating the apple (hey, you're already "sinning", may as well go all the way, right?)

2. Things you would like as your last words (now THAT would be a hell of an epitaph!)

3. Things you shouldn't shout at the top of your lungs

4. Things you shouldn't say to break the silence in a conversation (especially at the top of your lungs)

5. Things you shouldn't write on a Valentine's card

6. Things you shouldn't teach your parrot to say (because we all know they'll squawk it at the top of THEIR lungs!)

7. Things you shouldn't say to your husband (Allan made me include this one. I wonder why...)

8. Things you shouldn't title a children's book (hey... what if it's about advanced sex ed??)

9. Things a chimp thinks about when he sees you at the zoo

10. Things that make you jump

11. Things you shouldn't do when having dinner with the Queen

12. Things a lady shouldn't do (Allan made me include this one, too. Don't know why-- he always maintains I'm not a lady...)




So? Which one is your favorite answer? Leave a comment and let me know! :-)

Handwriting analysis... or, offline blogging ;-)

Been remiss in posting due to the sheer hecticness of my days, and so am taking a quick break from my "month of sex" theme for something a little different. And less risque!

Tabitha blogged some samples of her own handwriting, and I thought it was a nifty thing to do. So here are my samples. This is the information we were supposed to put on it:

Write down the following, snap a picture (or scan the document), post it, and tag others.

1. Name/Blog Name
2. Right handed, left handed or both
3. Favorite letters to write
4. Least favorite letters to write
5. Write: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
6. Write in caps:
CRAB
HUMOR
KALEIDOSCOPE
PAJAMAS
GAZILLION
7. Favorite song lyrics
8. Tag 7 people
9. Any special note or drawing

A couple of notes before we move onto the scanned pages:

1. Since I doubt as many as 7 people even READ my blog, I left the tagging open-- if you want to follow, I'd love to see your results!
2. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to do this in print or cursive, so I did both. Therefore, you get 2 images :-)
3. Because it's two pieces of paper, you may have to click on the image to enlarge it enough to read it.
4. My mother always maintained that handwriting deteriorates as you get older. Evidently she's right, because my handwriting has definitely gone downhill in recent years. My cursive used to be a lot neater!

Et voila (clicky):

What I'm most curious about here is how many people will actually bother to take the time to read my old Grab blog post about the song lyrics. It's not a clickable link, so how many of you will actually type out the URL to read more on which parts of the song I like, and why I like them?

Finally, I leave you with an image captured at Dinotown in Canada, June 2007 (wow, has it really been 3 years!?): me performing the truest form of offline blogging. Pen and notepad to jot down memorable notes that I can later transform into whole blog entries.

The Best Robe You'll Never Buy

We have a weekend subscription to the LA Times: every Thursday through Sunday we get the paper on our doorstep. The hefty Sunday paper is always chock full of extras I'll never peruse-- mostly store ads and coupons. Lately, though, I've been taking to carefully riffling through the coupon sections, because I've come across some really good ones, clipped them, and been able to save some serious money with them.

This past Sunday was no exception. I perused the paper as I sat at the dining table, eating my breakfast. No coupons of interest. Then I came across this one. I did a double-take, wondering if I was reading it correctly. You'll have to take a look for yourself-- yes, it was such a bizarre thing to find that I clipped it and scanned it (be sure to click on the pic for a larger image, and all the minute details):



I... am really not sure what to make of it! Clearly it was a joke-- perhaps it was printed too early for April Fool's Day? Or maybe it's right on time, since you don't normally find coupon clippers in the Thursday paper (April 1 is this Thursday). At first I thought it might be a very clever ad, and the *real* ad would be hidden somewhere in there. But try as I might, I could not find anything supporting this idea.

It looks really well done-- like a real ad, and anyone not paying close attention would've just mistaken it for another one of those "As Seen on TV" ads. The disclaimers become glaring only once you take a closer look. And pre-filling in the order form? Why do I get the feeling that it's an idiot-proof measure, to keep people who fail to see all those "not real" disclaimers from trying to submit an order form anyway? Why do I somehow suspect that this sort of ad has run before, people fell for it, and now they have their own version of "Warning: do not use hair dryer in the shower" label on it?

So... I still have no idea what it's supposed to mean. One thing's for certain: someone obviously had too much time on their hands!

Monday Night Randomness

We're still plagued by those pesky little 6-legged vultures. I would say "ants" but then Allan would make his "no uncles?" joke. Although the last time he did it, he was rebuffed by Todd correcting him, rather indignantly: "No, not A-U-N-T. Ants! A-N-T!" as if his Daddy was the biggest doofball in the world. Which can be rather accurate, but that's for another day of musing :-) The strange thing about these ants is that I can never detect a trail. Most of the time, with ant infestations, you can usually trace them back to where they came from. Just follow the trail. If you leave out an especially choice tidbit of food, the trail is thick and nicely visible. Find the nest, apply ant spray, and voila! Not these ants. They seem to appear out of nowhere, and leave no apparent trail. Even when we've left food out and dozens of ants are swarmed around, eating contentedly, that's all there is-- bunch of ants surrounding the food, and nowhere else. No incoming or outgoing trail to be detected. Stranger still is their behavior ON the food-- they just SIT there, motionless! Most swarming ants I've seen are, well, swarming. Moving. Wiggling. Picking up food and carrying it back. Showing signs of LIFE. They've also taken to appearing in the bathroom sink, no matter how much I've scrubbed it. It's bizarre.

In other animal news, today I caught my first glimpse of live snails here in the apartment complex. Usually all I run into around here are empty, crushed shells. Apparently last night rain brought them out in droves, and I spotted two of them crawling slowly across the pavement. One had almost reached its destination, but the other still had a long way to go. So I picked him up and gently moved him to the other side of the walkway, in the direction he was headed. Poor, hapless creature must've freaked out, as he retracted when I picked him up. Chalk up one less snail that got crunched underfoot today. I'm sure that when I have my own garden someday, I probably won't find snails as cute, but I still can't help feel sorry for them :-)

Tonight Allan tried out the voice recognition feature on his phone. Or, more accurately, I did. He set up an email to me, switched on the mic, and handed the phone to me. This is what I said:

I like turtles. Turtles say "ribbit"
I like dogs, too. Dogs say "arf, arf"
And seals say <insert barking seal noise here. I can't think of the appropriate letters to express the sound>


This is what was transcribed out of it:
I like turtles turtles favorite i like dogs too dont hate and he thinks

Yeah... needs a little tweaking, methinks ;-)

A Story Without the Letter "L"

A recent Plinky prompt: A short story without the letter "L"

It's definitely harder than it looks, and I couldn't think of a decent storyline (watching out for those pesky Ls is distracting!), so I just rewrote a classic fairy tale, with a twist I got from a picture somewhere (if only I could find it!)

Here goes:

Once upon a time there was a frog, who made a nearby pond his habitat. The pond was in the midst of the forest, and the frog enjoyed basking in the sun atop his green pad, and zapping bugs for food. One day, a pretty person of the XX-chromosome persuasion sat at the edge of the pond, tossing an amber sphere into the air. She wore a saddened expression on her face and threw the toy up and down in an absentminded fashion. In a sudden moment, the sphere escaped her grasp and dropped into the pond. She gasped in dismay and watched her favorite toy sink to the bottom of the pond. The frog heard her cries and hopped over to see what was wrong. Once she imparted what had happened, the frog dove to the bottom of the pond and retrieved the amber orb. She was so overjoyed she picked up the frog and kissed him. That's when she noticed the bright hues on the frog-- red, azure and saffron. She started to experience some strange sensations-- dizziness, then nausea, then her vision started to go dark. As she dropped to the ground her ending thoughts were of her kin and of the gorgeous but dangerous frog who had rescued her toy... at the expense of her very being. The poisonous frog gazed at her in a serene manner, took up the honey-hued orb and dove down into the water, adding it to his amassment of toys gathered from imprudent princesses who acted before thinking. The End.

Whew! Let's just say I'm grateful the prompt didn't call for a story lacking the letter "E"! Eep! ;-)

The Ups and Downs of Dyslexia

Boys are special... especially husbands!

This evening, Allan was working on a lesson plan for tomorrow, when he'll visit the middle schoolers at Todd's school and teach them some basics of algorithms-- namely, sorting. The perfect prop for sorting? Playing cards, of course!

He was sitting on the sofa, sorting out some cards and making notes on the process. He left a nice, neat row of cards, in sorted order, on the coffee table when he left to go do his workout. Me? I never even had time to go near the sofa/coffee table, I was busy putting Todd to bed and then sacking out in front of the computer for a few minutes before he returned...

...the computer that sits on the desk on the opposite side of the coffee table as the sofa (this is important).

When Allan returned from his workout, he and I chatted at the computer desk for a few minutes, whereupon his gaze soon fell on the coffee table. He mused: "you were sorting the cards, weren't you?" Puzzled, I glanced at the neat row and shook my head. They were already sorted before he left, I explained. I never touched them. I couldn't understand why he didn't remember doing that before he left.

"But... then why are they facing this way!?" sputtered Allan, a split second too late before he realized his error.

For as you see, ladies and gentlemen, playing cards can be read both right side up and upside down. So while he sat on the sofa and laid out the cards on the coffee table, they appeared to be "facing" him because he could read right-side-up numbers. And when he stood on the other side of the coffee table by the computer desk, he was again viewing right-side-up numerals. He thought I'd rearranged the cards so they were facing the "other way"!

Yup. I married me a special man, didn't I. Doesn't speak much for my own sanity or intelligence, having married the guy, but hey-- he's good for a few laughs. And who knew that dyslexia ran not only right/left but up/down, too!

A Letter to My Blog

Dear Blog,

Ah, how I miss you so. You sit there, looking so shiny and pretty and tempting. Thoughts float around in my mind, sometimes taking root and taking shape, sometimes only for a fleeting moment. Each time, the desire to come here and post them arises. And each time, something more pressing takes my time away, and by the time I find a few minutes to visit you in peace, the moment has often passed. I don't want to come to you without my heart fully in it, you know? I know I vowed to try to spend more time with you, but isn't quality more important than quantity? Rest assured that I miss you just as much as you miss me.

I want to write about the books I've been reading lately. I want to write about how much fun it is to file taxes... and yet how depressing it can be once I've tallied up the final total. I want to write about how much more my loathing of humanity has been reinforced, and how my love for animals deepens. I want to write about aggravating things at work and school. I want to write about silly things, funny things, sad things, thoughtful things.

And yet Father Time hasn't been kind enough to allow me the chance. Especially when microblogging sites makes it easy to share bite-sized updates without too much thought. Still, I wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten you. Much as I love Tumblr and Twitter, you and your kind have always been my first love. You're always in the back of my mind somewhere. And when I hear about something funny or read something that gets my dander up or experience something interesting, you're always the first thing I think of.

If it makes you feel better, Todd's diary hasn't been getting much love lately, either, and I don't even NEED to be in the right mood to write there! :-)

I know you'll always be there. And you know that I'm here. Here's to seeing you around, blog :-)

Love,
Me

Word Leprosy

I suffer from a bad case of it. And the condition only seems to worsen with time. AND it's apparently contagious! I don't know what causes it-- maybe when I speak my mouth goes just a hair faster than my mind, and trips over the words.

Last night I was reminded of the term "Spoonerism", in which the first letters/parts of a couple words in your sentence are inverted. Happens to the best of us. I had noticed that it was starting to happen to me more frequently. Such gems as "tark shank" (shark tank) and "cue toot turtles" (two cute turtles) and "turgers and bacos" (burgers and tacos) are among my favorite Spoonerisms that have slipped from my lips.

Oh, but Helly takes it a step further. How about switching whole WORDS around?
"Your son made a book out of houses"
"The stuffed turtles have leads of paw"
"Our cash got checked"
"Rub a tummy's alligator"
"Your head's son is hard"

My absolute favorite? Is also one of my favorite TV shows: "Animal's Funniest Planet". You know what's especially sad about that one? The fact that I've termed it that so often, the real title (Planet's Funniest Animals) no longer sounds correct to me. It sounds strange and mixed up.

Still not funny enough for you? How about something akin to mixing metaphors: mixing words to create new meanings.
Classic example is one I presented to my brother-in-law a year ago: "I have a beef to pick with you!" (combination of "bone to pick with you" and "beef with you")
Another time, I accused Allan of being the "sauce" of my frustration (combo of "source" and "cause")
And when I made an age dig at Allan, it didn't quite come out right: "You have to forget, I'm not that old!" (combo of "you have to remember" and "you can't forget")

I have to say, that the most amusing of all my word mixups is the title of the post itself. For a long time, we joked about my having "word dyslexia", which is a rather appropriate description of all of the above word mishaps. Then one day my mouth was *really* getting ahead of my mind, and I totally blanked on the word "dyslexia". Next thing I knew, my mouth blurted out the first thing that came to mind, and from that day forward, we laughed about my "word leprosy" instead.

Funnier still? (or sadder, depending on how you look at it) This stuff is contagious! Allan never had trouble mixing up words before he met me. Now he commits word leprosy almost as often as I do. Even young Todd is starting to show signs of it. Fortunately he's able to laugh just as hard about it as his parents laugh at their own foibles with the English language.

Ah, word leprosy. One might be persuaded to seek a cure, but then where would all these ridiculous gems come from? Nah, I think I'll keep it.

How about you? Care to share any memorable doozies that came flying out of your mouth? :-)

Friendly Game Show Help

Brief holiday update, first: Christmas came and went, another year gone by. As Todd gets older, they become more fun. The older he gets, the less shy he is, and this year you could tell he really looked forward to playing with Uncle Ron again-- even following him around and calling out "Uncle Ron! Let's build something else!" while carrying the new erector set he got from Aunt Debbie and Uncle Ron this year :-) He enjoyed teasing Uncle Ron (much to Aunt Debbie's delight!) as they played together, and even mustered up the courage to try to sneak up on him and Aunt Debbie to administer tickles. No belly kisses yet-- maybe next year. He's come a long way from the little baby who sat on their dining table and did nothing but stare at the ceiling fan going round and round and round and...

Today's lighthearted post comes again courtesy of Plinky.com:

If you were on a game show where you got to choose a few friends to call for help, who would you pick?

Assuming they'll allow me to place long distance calls outside the country, the first person that comes to mind is our family friend Ingrid, from Germany. I remember once watching the German version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" with her once. I swear if she'd been on the show, she'd be a millionaire right now. She got every question right, without hesitation.

I'd also pick Allan, because there's nothing sadder than the sight of a pouting, left-out husband ;-) Okay, there are real reasons, too-- he knows plenty about geeky stuff, sports and WWII history. A good mix, especially since game show questions tend to draw from all sorts of random subjects. I know next to nothing about sports, so Allan would come in handy there. Otherwise I'd be one of those embarrassed fools that struck out of the game at the $200 level because I couldn't answer a simple sports question!

I'd pick my dad, because even though he's the quiet type, he's pretty up-to-date on current events, and knows a lot about all sorts of little things, especially when it comes to things more scientific/mechanical/technical.

I'd have to also pick Scot, because I know of no bigger movie buff than him. He's guaranteed to be able to help me out of a pinch on a movie-related question!

Okay, just exactly how many people are we allowed? ;-)

How about you? Who would you pick?