Marriage: A Partnership

It is Day 1 of the November NaBloPoMo, and, as is the case each year, it always kicks off with our anniversary. Today the husband and I celebrate 8 years of marriage. EIGHT years! Where does the time go! That's 4 times longer than our previous relationship records. And we're still going strong. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, 8 years isn't really that long. I'm sure there are those more experienced out there who are thinking: yeah right, just wait till you hit 15 years, 20 years, 30 years... and that's a valid point. If I'm still blogging 7 years from now, I'll try to remember to revisit this and see how things are going at 15 years. The question is... who of my readers will still be reading and remind me? ;-)

I got to thinking about what makes a marriage work. You can glean nuggets of wisdom from both the experts and from people who have lived long, satisfying marriages. Of course, you get different opinions on what the key ingredient to a successful marriage is. I think the only single thing that is universally true is that it's all different! That, really, is my main take-away from all those articles and interviews that showcase marriage/relationship longevity: you gotta figure out what works for you!

For me and Allan, it's a couple of key factors.

1. We work together, not against each other. And I mean that literally. Everything is an equal partnership, from household chores (he usually cooks, I usually clean, and on weekends we divide up the weekly house cleaning) to raising the boy (he gets him ready in the morning and off to school, I pick him up and get him ready for bed at night) to discussing major household decisions. At the same time, we know we can count on each other to fill in when we're unable to take fulfill our "main" responsibilities.

2. There has to be some give and take. The greatest example is sex. By and large, men have a bigger sex drive than women, so for the most part, the man is gonna want it more frequently than the woman. That's just the way nature rolls, and there's honestly nothing wrong with that. We've found that bartering works remarkably well-- trade sex for doing the dishes ;-) Kidding! Actually, only half-kidding. We don't make a regular practice of "bartering" for sex, but once in a while it actually does work. Allan gets his nookie and I get out of doing a mundane chore for a night. It's win-win all around! ;-)

On a more serious note, though, there really is nothing wrong with a bit of compromise. I'm sure Allan would like it more often than we do it, and I could get by less often than we do it (especially when Todd is in town, keeping us busy and wearing us out), so how often we DO do it is our compromise. And yes, there are times when I don't really feel like it, but go ahead with it anyway. More often than not, I wind up having fun and saying "I'm glad you started that", but if not-- no big deal. It's not an affront to Allan, and he doesn't take it as such.

Sex is an integral part of marriage, but it's not the end-all-be-all. It's fun, but shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Which brings me to my last point:

3) We don't take each other, or any issues that crop up, too seriously. That's not to say that we treat serious issues cavalierly. We deal with what comes up, and don't let it consume our lives. Equally important is feeling that there isn't anything you can't discuss. After all, what's a spouse if not your best friend, the person with whom you're free to confide everything in?

The corollary to that is being able to be lighthearted about anything. Even serious topics like divorce. I've known people who thought that the mere mention of it spelled doom for their marriage. Nonsense. If you can't freely talk about it, how can you address issues that might be serious enough to make you contemplate divorce? Not only do Allan and I freely discuss it when relevant, but we also feel free to joke about it. And there's nothing wrong with that, so long as joking is not the only way you ever discuss divorce. It lends a bit of levity to an otherwise depressing topic.

And when it comes to laughter-- what better way to diffuse an argument than with a bit of funny? I can certainly attest to how well that works: http://heckledtrio.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-to-diffuse-argument.html

I guess the nutshell version of this isn't all that different from the generic advice you get from others: teamwork, compromise and humor.

What works for you?